When the Loose Electron Found Its Nuclei at the Beginning of the Universe

I am perplexed. Very. Things so strange and the worst part is that the observer can never tell the extends of her subjectivity. It is not a mere adjective saying that human mind is subjective, you know, yet this profound realization proves so hard for the mind to grasp. Today I finally dismissed a few illusions of mine, delusions even, in regards to this weird-o-man Michael and our interaction via the Third person in this crazy place just off shore downtown NYC. I guess I just don't have enough life experience. Well, duh. Ha! I just read in the Urban Dictionary that "duh" means "No shit Sherlock" and/or "Thank you captain obvious", haha, exactly, lol. Yeah.

So this was it, the illusions are completely dismissed, thankfully, I must say. Things have not been quite the way I came to interpret them, he is married and his son is not named Derek and so on. Still strange, still unclear though, the behavior of him and his comrade. Maybe he wanted to make trisome or something, who knows. Anyway, doesn't matter. I wish him all the best, happiness and satisfaction from this life. That's what matters. Loose the tears, keep the smile.

I feel renewed. Man, is this crazy. Oh yes, this trip was absolutely worth it and even more. I feel grown up, somewhat transformed from within, as if a transition stage has been completed. Feels like a new chapter in my life begins from today. And so it does. A level has been gained, along with new skills, rpg.

Seriously, things went very weird, but is not that bad, the main point is to learn your lessons and take the most out of them. And keep moving. Life is an amazing mystery to be solved on so many levels, so many truths, brilliant simplicities and tantalizing complexities. Words. Words are good dancers alright, such a mystery on their own. And I love to dance, not just in theory. So, let's dance.

This concludes the summer. Now a new season starts. Head on.
Dream on.

06 Korn - Kiss by j carrera

The Irregular Shapes Of Clouds At Night

I’m trying to do some study this afternoon, but just can’t pull my thoughts together or more like, can’t clear my head, so to concentrate for more than just a few minutes at a time. My mind has been kind of preoccupied with the memory of Michael recently, I keep thinking about him, about our meeting, he keeps popping up in my thoughts. I had a few amazing erotic fantasies with his image these days, such a powerful emotion, like virtual reality with full HD and feelings on. The alchemy of imagination and the CNS can be such an incredible journey into your senses. This love is so strange, I have felt it a few times before and things never work out for one reason or another whatever. Just the intense emotion that brings spiritual growth, a lot of daydreaming intoxicated with at times overpowering feelings flared up by vivid imagery.

This time truly an entire ocean and a continent separate us. I don’t feel so down though, as I have felt at previous times. Man, have I felt desperate with heartache in my more tender years, horrible periods. This time, I am way more balanced and experienced, even though being a fast-flared love from first sight, it is a mature love, yeah, that describes it. Not less intense, but just accepted with maturity, rather than fight the whole world just because i love-sick. So interesting, this is something new. I am experienced! Wow, lol.

Anyway, Samantha is doing good, she is not hiking the streets carrying a carton cup with Australian wine as much anymore, mainly because she can’t find a suitable partner for this. Oh well, we the walkers are a rare breed, not easy to find, Sam! She is working now, a day job and a weekends job as well, gaining some cash, which is not a bad idea. I am into some serious episodes sequence as well, the new season, lol, preparing for exams and starting off working again soon, while drafting on some ideas for the future in the meanwhile.

I think it’s time to start drafting ideas for the more far away future, so that to have an idea what destination to steer myself to. I am not sure yet really. I mean, what the heck do I do in this life?! Something meaningful, something both interesting and challenging, a whole journey that will also be my day job. Hmm. It all sometimes seems so pointless, dull, ridiculous, all the phases and cycles, the paths people take, in life, in society, things everyone does, always renewing and repeating. And while all this is good, sometimes all the predetermination, predictability, repeatedness can seem so boring, so discouraging.. makes you wonder, what is the point? Apart from enjoying the beauty, growing with the sorrows and gaining wisdom on the way. Since everything follows its pattern anyway, as if there is no other way things can go, as if this is the only way to develop and whatever you do, as much as you may do for the better common good, in the end you still will fit in the pattern of human history, as a piece of it, however big or small. Everything is a pattern, patterns from the smallest to the largest and all the levels in between, patterns and cycles.

Human history also follows a pattern consistent of cycles in its’ unfolding flow. A rather slow-moving pattern, considering the potentials of human mind. I think people today, especially the socially developed ones, should know and understand more from the nature of the cosmos, through evolution of life and to the depths of human psychology and layers of the mind. One can say that humanity is somewhat retarded. Which popular situation serves quite beneficially to all marketing and happily-thriving commerce. The biggest difference between societies today, the way they work in the interaction b/w individuals and between groups, and societies thousands of years back is that we have technology today and a lot of detailed knowledge. That’s all, the core is barely changed, trade, relations, mindsets, military conflicts, diplomacy, layers, the mainframe is more or less stagnant on a rather basic level. There is nothing really new, apart from the aforementioned. And even before technology people had pretty good knowledge as well and they always tend to dismiss it, destroy it and burn it and forget it, until after some good chunk of time philosophers come up again with it, as what happened with the knowledge from the classic world and its subsequent revival in the Renaissance. Books were burned again on several other occasions throughout History and even today there is still censorship of religious, political or other ideological sort in most parts of the world.

The movements of social layers, of wealth, power, religions, all repeating in certain patterns, even though the patterns follow a spiral progression, always at a farther point in each repeating cycle, still remain more or less preserved for the past few thousand years. Empires grow and fade, influences shift, here, for instance, now a new economic power is emerging, China that is, social shifts are resettling, and it has always been like this, humanity, changing and morphing in a certain pattern constantly. And there is the funny thing, people from all previous ages and eras, always have thought that they are somewhat very advanced in all crafts, arts and understanding, cutting edge in cultural heights. So they were, I guess. Such a strange thing is the social evolution humanity follows, so controversial in itself, we advance and yet stagnate, holding tight to the past, trying to preserve it, refusing to let go of old traditions, affections, disputes, to grasp new knowledge, as if human psyche has a keep-yourself-retarded-as-much-as-possible mechanism at work.

There are historical sources that have preserved with the tools of written word a piece of observation about the general merchant in Sumer markets a couple of thousand years ago, that they “Always see to put less weight in a bag, than agreed with the price.” (I read that cited in an interesting book about the historical development of economic thought), of course, today we have regulations and consumer rights, lol, too much at times. And in this line of thought, again this need for imposing regulations emerges in order for people to guide their hardwired behavior, which is intrinsically selfish-driven and “evil”, as opposed to the century-old propaganda of the church. And yes, archaic religion, another primitive element in contemporary society, which only means that a few thousand years from now, hopefully, we in our age today will be seen as part of human’s developing stages. I believe it will be referred to as the end of the Middle ages, lol. May be even a Second Renaissance.

So, the first point is to enjoy and make the most out of your experience. Then think more, use your mind to learn and tackle everything actively as much as you can cultivate this mental state in yourself. Then think up of something meaningful to do, while on the journey to mental advancement and spiritual growth. Do, always do. Move and do. I tend to contemplate more than do, I admit. I know, but contemplating the profound is just soo, so tranquilizing, so mesmerizing, like daydreaming when in love. May be I was a Himalayan monk in my previous life. There is one most important thing I have to do now, and this is to complete my book, which i haven’t been doing for the past few months. Also, to graduate next summer and make more cash in between, lol. That’s it, it’s seriously time to get moving more consistently. Yeah. Right. Make my own way in this life, I dread conventionality and boring perspectives. Let the flare burn and inspiration fill the heart, the Universe guides me! Let the Universe be with you too.

My American Journey. Summer 2010. A Travel Diary - The Retrospective Reflection. Emotions, Memories, Still Hot and Frenzied

Back home again. I had a head-on come back the past week, continuing the hippie-style hanging out with friends, along with some clubbing and drinking lots of wine and beer, yeah. Lol. I went up to some very refreshing mountain hiking, climbing to Mt. Vitosha’s ‘Kamen del’ summit at the northern side of the mountain, steeply overlooking the city. One of my favorite spots, good for contemplation and experience one of those abstract moments when you step out and feel as one with the mystery of creation. Me and mom went up to Musala summit on Mt. Rila this weekend. It was her first time there. The views were mesmerizing, as always, and the weather not so bad with just a few lightnings here and there behind the distant ridges, some fog that came and went blown by the wind and a little precipitation. The beginning of every trek is the hardest, I have established. You set up your mindset and adjust your body to the physical demands of the environment. Then gradually you settle up your pace and this moment comes when I feel that the more i walk the more I can walk, with some relaxing brakes in between of course. The experience one gains on the mountain trails is so enriching, so powerful and sometimes altering. Just like meeting with new cultures in unexplored cities, although the experience one gains from Nature is mostly one about oneSelf. While new cultures teach you a lot of exterior knowledge, about history and traditions, about peoples and social evolution. You can’t compare exploring mountain trails and exploring new cities, they are both different and both so awesome. I love it. I love my country too, the plains, the mountains, the waters, it’s beauty.

This summer has been quite a cloudy and rainy one here with a lot of thunderstorms. Strange, early spring or fall-like weather conditions. It’s hot and slightly dampy, though it is nothing like in NYC, lol. Last summer was the same. The weather is going crazy alright. Heat waves and excessive water bring misery to communities all over the globe. Last winter snow fell on the beaches of Spain and this summer Russia is being scourged in heat. Seems like the weather swings more and more to the extremes. Surely all this is a part of a pattern that spans much more than the history of human civilization in time. The weather is a complex thing, just like about everything in this world, even though its’ seeming simplicity. Of course, the most complex things many times prove to be of the most simple nature, but that is a matter of perspectives. Anyway, there is the Sun, Earth’s orbit around it and the axes of those two cosmic bodies, then there are magnetic fields, ocean currents and movements of air masses, atmospheric pressures and all the local weather systems that play role.

Wait, why I am talking about the weather? Lol, i may expand on this topic at another time, Global Warming and stuff is a trendy topic nowadays. A major change in technology is imminent, however, and the vibe of the buzz is filling the air. The dead of oil-based technology draws near, however the resistance of big corporations and along this change, another change in minds is also very strong as unfolding potential. A lot of changes, so much potential. But may be that’s how it always has been. After all, human history is one of constant change, the air has always been filled with potential. It is just that the more knowledge we gain collectively in history, the more we progress in it and with the lots of much more humans alive in the past half a century than any other time in history, the less time between great discoveries, advancements and major changes in different aspects and even global ones. So that is why every following century is filled with even more action, progressions of events and historical excitement than the one before. Of course, this progression of human history may turn out in a very different and unexpected way. Imagine it is not all constant advancement that we are facing in this route, I mean, in the cosmos things are made up to follow a rather sharp parabolic curve in their existence, that is a slower beginning, then accelerating peak, then sharp drop down and gradual deceleration towards an existential end or more like a transformation of energies. Either way, it is end for one form of existence, which is the one we are concerned with right now. Left? (wink)

So anyway, back to Earth. It’s good to have Euronews and the documentary channels again and 3in1 instant coffee, lol. There is no Monster energy drinks here though and all the smart and superfoods loaded with a bunch of vitamins so plentiful in US grocery venues. So sad. We definitely need to import these, I’m sure they will have a lot of fans here, along myself.

Looking back now and comparing, I come to see and appreciate the whole of my experience with American culture better, much better even, clearer the details, the knowledge and impressions gained. It is interesting that in order to gain objectivity in your outlook, you have to step out, sometimes literally, but always, this is a rule. Actually, that is why it is easier to judge others than yourself, and be critical to other cultures than your own. Because of human mind being subjective by default and thus all of its experience and the interpretation of this experience. But if you step out you begin to see, when you step out and soar above or position yourself at a center, not at any side.

Speaking of energy drinks, one peculiar difference element is the can size I wondered at much earlier, though haven’t mentioned it so far. In NYC there where three different sizes from which one could choose, that is a medium and big, apart from the standard small size. Like the drinks in fast food chains. I haven’t seen other sizes of cans here in my country, just the standard ones, whether energy drink or soda.

It is a small detail that speaks something on its own about the interesting mechanism of the commercial aspect of American society. The buy-more-pay-less rule is always valid, whether on consumer or industrial scale. The more you produce, the less the cost of every individual production unit and the more you buy, the less you pay per liter or Kg. It is a weird presumption of economics really. I’m sure the whole system can be much more productive and less burdening. After all, economic theory and practice does need a major update after a couple of centuries in use, don’t you think? Anyway, the buy-more-pay-less deal is all prevailing in USA. The up-side is for the businesses that sell more and profit more and consumers get more for less money, however there is a subtle trickstery attached to this market strategy. That is, people are lured to consume more, which leads to other negative effects like obesity and lack of appreciation, which leads to food-fights popular in US culture.

This is just one element in the precarious imbalance of global economy, of course. The buy-more strategy has more up-turns for businesses in the end and overall it seems that US economy favors businesses more than consumers. Corporations over individuals from the general population. The ultimate capitalism, where social ideals are not recognized as anything profitable and thus desirable, even though the warm sentiments of the US Constitution. Anyway, there are a lot of opportunities for making profit in USA, this is true, and it is a great place to do business and trade.

Oh yeah, the black spots all over the streets that I roamed in NYC I told you about in previous posts, I saw the same on public walkways in my city here too. It is a strange thing I never really noticed these before. However, their quantity is way less here and they are absent on many other streets and pavements around the downtown area, where most people converge. Samantha suggested they are old, covered with a thick layer of street dust chewing gums and said that in her city, Rio de Janeiro, the streets also have them and that at places like bus stops they were really a lot.

Peculiar element indeed, I think it has something to do with cultural habits. The bus stops here are not littered with black spots and the streets are rather clean in comparison really, however there is no air condition in public transport. So inconvenient, mostly during the summer that is, at winter there are air heaters on, though sometimes this is annoying when your clothes are warm enough for outside and you don’t want to remove your jacket, hat and everything while riding the bus.

Another small peculiarity I stumbled upon while in the US that came to explanation here were the cigarettes that always lit off when left in the ashtray to burn. My uncle told me this was probably a precaution measure to prevent forest fires, for example. Hmm, interesting suggestion. Instead of relying on people’s conscience and awareness, just make the tobacco fire-proof. You simply can’t rely on people’s conscious behavior, that is why laws, automated mechanisms and bio-engineered tobacco are needed to keep things smooth and safe in check. It will not be too long until cars become fully automated, similar to the scenario showed in Minority Report in this regard, I’m sure.

It is so strange really that people always needed to impose upon themselves social orders and systems in order to attain collective self-control. That’s probably because the individual self-control and awareness have been always missing. So sad. It turned out that we still live at the end of the Middle Ages. Even societies from industrially developed countries still bear so many elements from the past, too much.

On the whole, having still been ruled by instinctive motivators of greed, selfishness, segregation, aggression, domination, lust and all the primitive behavioral patterns and frames that lead to all the different variations of the intrinsic human behavior. Yes, variations, that’s what makes us different. There is rarely anything new or unique in what’s done, in what humans do. Mostly different ways of doing, different paths and recombinations in an increasingly more complex urban environment.

I now confirm to myself that people are pretty much the same. No matter where in the world. No matter whether they belong to a society from the East or from the West. Religions and traditions can make societies quite different from one another, yet the basic human behavior, their aspirations, needs, strives, emotions and relationships are very much the same. People are not that different, at all.

And American society, especially the cosmopolitan one that is found in NYC, is a really interesting experiment, a phenomenon even. Consisting of so many different peoples coming from different cultures, religions and traditions that are kept alive and practiced by all the ethnic groups living together there and yet all the groups are collectively unified under their American Dream and its cultural identifiers. Like a prototype of the future unified global human society. Though, a very unpolished and undeveloped prototype, as I don’t think an economic capitalism with this strong feudal elements is anything peacefully sustainable and positive for a healthy and well balanced society. Of course, there is time for the future humanity and right now things are the way they are, hardly changeable “overnight”.

So, we have to enjoy, since we are here now anyway and lay the foundations for a renewed humanity today, plant the seed, so it can grow and bloom in generations to follow.

I miss Samantha, I sincerely hope she finds her way and accomplishes what she came in New York city for, enroll in professional photography course and find an artistic job in this field, that will grow her from within and bring her a lot of experience. I contemplate on Michael too, it was a strange meeting, and all the intrigues that entangled on the job during this month working for Evelyn Hill, and all the craziness that followed after I decided to leave it and go freelance. Man, I had an awesome summer, just wicked.

Well, I didn’t really made any money, apart from those spent there. And now I have a loan of a couple-o-thousand dollar to return here to my employer-partner with whom we work in eBay, which should be cleared in an year or so worth of monthly bonuses, provided sales are good and better. I’m thinking on proposing an expansion of our e-commerce venture to other trade networks as well, maybe even creating a commercial website on our own, along with our eBay activity, all to boost profits and return money faster.

So there, something positive out of it, a sort of business expansion with willingness to invest more time into, which was something I was trying to avoid previously, because I needed a good part-time job, you know, to have time for study and writing and everything. And this eBay opportunity that popped-up was the perfect thing, considering the very little developed e-commerce and online services fields here in Bulgaria. Anyway, all will be good, I’m sure.

I kind of miss New York now, that city charmed me really, though it feels good to be home after all. Even though I do appreciate that it is a lot easier to start a business or make decent money in NYC than it is here in my city, Sophia. However, the real estate here is much more reasonable on the other hand, of course, not if you are on the average salary.

USA may be a weird place, but it is not so bad place to be after all, at least New York city, has a lot of vibe and possibilities.

Anyway, right now I have to readjust my mindset and do some study for the exams that are due at the beginning of September and then I have to pull all my thoughts together and organize them, concentrate and put all my creativity into completing my book by the end of the year. And next summer I have to graduate my BA. In between all this I must, absolutely must think out a way to establish a good and sustainable income, did some brainstorming today, but all I can think up so far is e-shop with a touch of unconventionality. I have no idea how and where I can supply the inventory, so far. A very basic draft idea that I’ve been having lurking in the back of my mind for some months now. We shall see.

On the photos: Upwards Musala summit. The first photo: a bad photo from Kamen del summit overlooking Sofia city.

p e a c e ;}