My American Journey. Summer 2010. A Travel Diary - American Culture, Processed and Pasteurized

American culture is so weird. I don't know if many of its people step out of it to contemplate on its peculiarities, but I know that for *some reason* it is easier to analyze other cultures, than the one you belong to. And that is another reason why peoples should cooperate with each other, so that we point out each others' faults and just work together to fix'em and thus build an environment of positive criticism for creative mutual advancement. Instead of simply fighting over who's right and who's wrong and kill each other off like a pack of wild beasts.

So, anyway. It is very interesting that USA consists of so many different ethnic groups and peoples with a great variety of cultural backgrounds and yet all these different peoples bear this American resemblance with one another. The American life style, stereotype, mindset and those "artificially" created cultural elements that are meant to serve as unifiers and homogeneous agents. For instance, patriotism. American patriotism is well-known in the world for its idealism and almost religious-like zeal.
Children in schools cite in chorus the Declaration of Independence, the American flag is seen waving in front of every other house, put in graffiti or painting on the walls and rooftops of garages, gas stations and shops. I've seen a lot of lawns here in Staten Island, where people literally overdecorated them with flags-on-a-stick, arranging them along the fence, around tree trunks, sticking them inside flower pots, hanging them on their windows, on their cars, everywhere. American patriotism is evident all over the place, at places in just overexposed amounts. Such a zealous dedication indeed, it's almost as if they use the flags as some sort of modern form of Totem, for protection and to show that they are a loyal part of this tribe. There is nothing wrong with that, unifying elements in the form of rituals and common denotations are an integral part of every society since the dawn of human social life.

However, there are certain elements of the American patriotic doctrine that are born out of pure propaganda. Such as militarism. People here are really paranoid to terrorists (and spies), can't blame them. Though, the way their government presents these to the public is so very subjective and one-sided and this is the propaganda element. Of course, propaganda is found in the paradigm of every government around the world, but it is especially strong in USA. I've been wondering if there are a lot of Americans who actually take the time to think up the root cause for terrorist' treat in their country.
I mean, their government is waging wars in the Middle East since the end of WWII. These wars can hardly be justified, apart from the American lust for influence and oil, which are conveniently disguised behind humanistic ideals such as the fight for "freedom" and, of course, democracy. But hypocrisy is the real face of these justificators and a lot of money involved, in the gazzillions. Yeah, weapons and military technology is a huge industry in the *modern world*. And what use of it if there are no wars?! I mean, don't be ridiculous, wars are an essential part of global economy!! And America, being one of the biggest manufacturers just must and needs to be involved in military justice, otherwise it will go bankrupt. What a profound irony. Fighting for peace with guns. Such a brilliant ideal only human mind can produce.

So, my point here is, apart from the obvious, that there would have been no terrorist treats here if USA didn't waged all these wars in the Middle East. How logic is that?! For example, my country does not wage wars in the ME and we have no problems with terrorists either.
I'm sure the average American don't view things this way, though.
Sometimes the root of a complex issue is so stunningly simple, that you can't help it, but just stand rapt in awe and amazement (in front of human stupidity, which is infinite, unlike the Universe, as Einstein deducted a few decades ago).

Anyway, considering that 60% of Americans today are immigrants or children of immigrants that came with the last great wave of immigrants from the beginning of the 20th Century escaping wars, poverty, persecution and industrial slavery in Europe and other parts of the world, no wonder they hold strong to their American Dream. But, what bothers me is, is this dream still alive? It certainly was alive a century ago. People came here and they really found freedom. They found free land to settle in, freedom from the suffocative grip of the Catholic church (even though there are a lot of Catholics here today, some of them descendants of those same people who escaped it), freedom to start a fresh in a fertile land with vast resources that were open and most importantly, accessible to all who were willing to work hard for it and make a fortune. And many of those settlers did worked hard and did made fortunes. Fortunes that they couldn't have made back in Europe, where stiff class segregation and monarhic rule from the previous centuries still prevailed. And that truly was the American Dream and it was real and alive.

While I worked on Liberty Island there was an isle with books in the gift shop with memories and testimonials from those early 20th Century immigrants, that I used to open and read in a dash, pretending I was dusting them with the laser beams from my eyes. I read a lot of interesting short stories there on how immigrants traveled cramped on ships, the horrible conditions they traveled into, the uncertainty, how they left everything behind packing just the essentials or whatever little they had, their hopes, dreams and expectations about this rich land, where the streets were paved with gold and even candy fell from the sky right into your mouth whenever one wished for it. Almost like El Dorado, a land of gold, riches and endless opportunities open for all, almost mythological-like. And for the most part, all of this was true. Freedom was to be found here.

Then, in the following decades of the early 20th Century a cultural spur flourished in New York, beginning with the underground Jazz societies in the 30s and leading to the Hippies in the 60s, which were to influence the common culture of the entire western world and change it forever. Before the hippies, societies still adhered to the strict, religious morals and behavioral codes, freedom of individuality, fashion and so on were unthinkable. An amazing cultural change and evolution even, that few people appreciate today, especially the young, taking it for granted. But in the meanwhile, amids the cultural revolution, other, more subtle trends evolved that had their roots in these same exploitatory methods of the industrial revolution that the immigrants ran away from. Thus, sometime in the 70s or so, the Corporations officially took over. Thinking about all this, Corporative rule and Communism are not that different really. Both exploit the masses via imposing delusive ideals of elusive freedoms.

Communism tells people they are all equal in opportunity, that all wealth is equally shared and possessed by all individuals in equal parts and that every individual must work for this common wealth, so that it never gets depleted and there is always enough for all. But, in reality, the wealth those common people worked for was by no means shared equally and the workers got 10% of it, while the remaining was distributed among the political *elite*, who, more or less, operated on monarhic principles. The same principles the Bolshevik claimed to overthrow after their revolution in Russia in the 1917. All the inspirational slogans about freedom and equality were just that, slogans, empty words deprived of practical manifestation. Propaganda was the most powerful tool of communism, and it has always been the most powerful tool of every self-righteous ideology.
Corporations, on the other hand, are a creation of democracy, or to this part of it designated as Capitalism. It was thought to be the total opposite of the strictly government-owned and controlled economy of communism or so thought the public outside the corporations. The corporations tell people they are free to choose (from whatever choices they are given), free to take (loans), free to speak (as long as it is not against the doctrine) and free to pay their bills. Corporations are probably the greatest manipulators and exploitators of American society today. And the truth is that the freedoms and opportunities immigrants had a 100 years ago are no longer available to their descendants. Things have changed. A lot.

Still, USA remains a land of great economic wealth and opportunity, but for the majority of people these freedoms and opportunities are reduced to very narrow step-by-step, system guided procedures starting with College/University and a student loan for it. Then, having a lot of money hanging on your neck, the fresh grad is eager to find a job and pour his/hers resources into the economy in return to financial tender to their loan. Then, another loan follows, this time for a house. A place to call home, to create a family of their own. By this time, the individual is desperate to keep his/her job, or the system will turn really evil should you miss a payment or two. And from then on, until the rest of their lives, it is basically paying mortgage and paying your bills. And enjoying your freedom in between.
And even though this doesn't sound that bad, after all, what else is the meaning of human life anyway?! There are a lot of very corrupt elements in this system. For instance, the wild ups and downs of real estate prices and interest rates. These fluctuations are not only abnormal and unjustified, they are unhealthy. Also unwealthy for the majority of Americans apart form this top 10% that have shares in the corporations.

The American system is a very sophisticated and complex one indeed and I have yet to delve in it and understand its inner workings, but its faults are apparent even to the ignorant observer, like myself. I believe that the time has come for a new economy to be synthesized, one that will include all the good from the old ones from the 20th Century and will preferably exclude their faults. Also, I think that we should update our criteria for ideals, for example, militaristic concepts proclaiming that serving in the army is a most high quality of humane acquisitions to be admired and respected. I mean, come on, such primitive concepts, born out of plain propaganda still being held current by modern, supposedly more aware and sensible humans? It is just not right.
And this is the biggest fault in Star Wars universe as well. That advanced civilizations will still produce weapons and wage wars. No. War and aggression are traits of the primitive mind and they will be absent in advanced civilizations. However, how can we humans know that, when we observe the Universe from our mere subjective point of view and think that whatever aspirations our hardwired instincts have are surely all universally present in all levels of civilizations throughout the cosmos. Oh, well, we are yet to evolve and realize a lot of truths ahead.

Ah, American society, such a peculiar phenomenon indeed. Despite all the opportunities here, I do think that its freedoms are corrupt and the American Dream is just not the same as it has been a century ago, or even 60 years ago. I will refrain from proclaiming it dead, unlike Nietzsche who felt no second thoughts on proclaiming the God dead a century and a half ago. And this is mostly because the economic system is by far more entangled and complex than the *stand-alone* Divine. That is, at times, the secrets of God seem far more accessible to the mind than the inner workings of economy. And this is mostly because the keys to the former are in your Self, while the nostrum to the latter is somewhere out there. If you know what I mean.

My American Journey. Summer 2010. A Travel Diary - Misc. Developments, Impressions, Et Cetera

Today I was to meet a strangely easy-going guy, to whom I spoke the other day on the phone in regards to a job offer for "E-commerce Sales Associate". The address where I was supposed to go was in a south-western location in Brooklyn and he told me that it was "A warehouse, basically".
I looked up the address in Google maps and saw there garage-like doors on a red-brick building stretching along narrow street with a residential compartment building of the same style across the warehouse building. There was an uninviting steel bridge spanning on the background and some graffiti on the walls. "Suspicious" I thought, thinking about psychopaths who lure naive victims, lock them up and torture them to death. As there was no one to take with me and wait me outside, for security, I decided to leave a note in my room with the address and the mobile of the guy, saying that I will be back by 5PM or call if later. A girl from Russia was supposed to review my room on the same day, so my host would see it and keep it in mind. So I did and left.

Took the R train and then walked about half an hour, a distance that strangely didn't seemed that long on the map, as opposed to other times when I walk with ease distances that seem longer on the maps. Probably the difference was due to the mindset. I was in a hurry, late for the interview and concerned about its legitimacy, and the part of the neighborhood it was located at. There was this large, steel bridge following along the route I was going to. Low rise red-brick buildings, road intersections and car-service garages. The local mafia probably resided somewhere around, the setting was just right. So, I reached the place and entered a large, metal-roll garage door that was opened. It was a warehouse alright filled with small and large boxes with electronics, as far as I could observe. There was a latino dude whom I asked for confirmation of the location, he nodded and then asked him for the guy with whom I was supposed to meet. He went into a door at the warehouse wall and then called me in.

There was a corridor and offices inside, everything seemed normal, just right. I was surprised to see that the guy in question was a Jewish person dressed in white shirt and black trousers, just the black coat and the stovepipe hat were missing, he had his kippah on though, also plain black. He behaved weird, almost as if the whole interview was a joke. I presented my qualities and skills to him in a professional and confident manner of speech and he said he was impressed. Then another Jewish man came into the office, but he didn't shake hands with me due to religious reasons. They discussed my best possible assignment and decided they'll call me after the 4th of July holidays for a 30-day trial of my performance. We discussed vaguely the payment, I know Jewish people prefer to receive money, rather than give it out, so I decided to negotiate the salary more thoroughly when definite assignment is given next week. Good, I left and took on a right turn to wander a bit around the streets at this part of Brooklyn. Then another guy called me, also impressed by my Resume (good thing I didn't included the Unpredictable quality after all. It may be a plus if I apply for a job at CERN though for a position of "Experimental Particle" or something similar, hey they may find new elements in me colliding my protons with protons of the Universe, who knows, I may contain atoms from the Big Bang, lol) anyway, where was I. The other guy also needed a person to work with e-commerce websites, but initially he needed that person for customer service position, while things get going in the office, as the firm was a new starter and was yet to develop its business. Sounds interesting.
I can't take both jobs at once, but which one should I choose? Now here's again one of these choices in life. The Jewish people don't seem very reliable and they seem stingy too. Though I may be wrong. The new-starter firm has some potential prospects in it, since it is new, I could contribute to its growth and thus establish myself there and my pay too. I will see to try them both and just take one. Hey, I'm not going to be here too long any way, even though I pretend otherwise.

On the way back I walked again to the train, this time with a different mindset, the weather was pleasant, the people awkward, the urban setting just like from the movies. The stop was located on a high place and there was this nice urban view towards the Statue of Liberty, which was clearly visible in the distance. "Ah, my old colleagues are arranging keychains and folding t-shirts hard right now and I'm here looking at them from the height and I'm free!" LoL.

Then I went to a real estate agency to see for cheap rents for the week to follow. Wrong. You don't go to an agency when you need cheap. They charge a service tax, stupid. Right. So I'll have to look up in websites or on Craigslist for offers directly from renters. By the way, when I informed my host that I'll be leaving in about a week he said "Ok, but you don't get your security deposit back without a 30 day notice".. "What?!" I was shocked. "Listen now, you HAVE to give me back my money.. or I'll kick your butt!" Nah, I didn't said it like that, but was persuasive enough to make him rethink. So we made a deal that if he finds someone to fill up my place until the 30th of June, he would return my deposit, because "It's just not ethical" he said, right you are. Actually, I really don't have the money to pay him the rent for next month anyway, that is why I need my deposit back, so that I look up a cheaper place, pay it for a week until I receive some payment from somewhere and move in another place for a full month, or pay for another week if things go slower.
Risk it, head on, let's see how things will turn out in the end. You either win or loose, in both cases its a win-win situation, because I gain experience and even some wisdom and insight here and there, I value these more than money, though money is what I need right now.

When I went back "home" I spoke with him and in the end I was able to negotiate to stay until the 7th of July for 105$ and he will return me 345$ from my original deposit, so, instead of paying 125$ minimum for the week ahead worth of rent I only paid 50$, which was a pretty good bargain, excellent.

On the way back to Staten Island I diverged to Wall St. It was my first visit to the notorious place, though I have passed by it many times already. On the Parthenon-styled arch held by classic Greek-style columns with this predominant leafy design of the capitals in New York city there was a scene of stone-cut statues of people working on the field, lol. The peculiar element however was the central figure, which was a woman with Hermes' wings on her head. Strange. Women are incorporated in New York's architectural symbolism in a very peculiar way, not sure where this tendency derives from, is it because of the initial mythological symbolism incorporated in the Statue of Liberty by its designer? Very interesting, female-warrior and strong, leader-type females are seen at a lot of places in statues and stone reliefs around Manhattan, along with Mercury and his accessories. So mysterious, and yet there hasn't been a female president for instance. Strange messages or whatever the reason for this architectural tendency here. I just love the architecture of NYC, it's scale and grandeur are overwhelming, so cool. Provide great landscape for some awesome vertical photography too.

As for those prevailing black spots on the pavements I mentioned in previous posts, one person a while ago that we spoke casually on a bus stop suggested that they may be old chewing gums. "What, so many?!". Weird, I should scratch them some time to inspect them closer up, so to determine their possible origins first hand. I mean, chewing gums? This may be the urban effect of American chewing culture, lol, side effect that is.
Another peculiarity in the news, people here seem to still live in the Cold War era with one foot. In the recent days there has been reports in the local news channels about Russian spies that have been intercepted by the US government in New Jersey and detained in charges of spying and exporting government secrets to Russia. LoL, now that's funny. This is serious stuff man, it is Spy business! When are we going to grow up, this is just so sad and pitiful. Economy based on war, just so sad. Why can't peoples just cooperate with each other, cooperation can also be a form of competition, so that advancement be ensured, right!?

My American Journey. Summer 2010. A Travel Diary - Staten Island

There hasn't been much development in the past week. Been mostly contemplating on fundamental matters, wandering around and seeking out unconventional job opportunities in the fields of 1099, freelance or a project job. There is a lot of scam and fraud in USA, no wonder Hermes is everywhere in the architectural elements. The place for thieves, tricksters and fraudulent-minded people. Also there are a lot of psychos, I know, so I have to be especially careful for this one really. Scarry. Anyway, my funds are running out and with it my time here as well, unless a reliable opportunity finally finds me. Contacted a few people looking for someone to fix some work for them in Ebay, but no answer so far. Will be moving out of Staten Island in the days to follow, not sure where yet, we'll see.

Not that I didn't liked the place here, I'm sure I'm not finding any better one for these money, but the hosts began to annoy me too much really. They started asking me questions am I working, why I stay up at night and sleep late, this and that. I'm beginning to feel as if on a student camp and the teachers supervising over me. Beat it. It's time to move in the city full time, this way I can explore it in the evenings as well, since I'll be living closer by. However, don't get me wrong, my hosts here are very nice and helpful people and they are hospitable on the whole.

I've been exploring Staten Island these days and toured it from coast to coast with the bus and on foot. In all, it is a really nice place to live. Suburban, plenty of nature, peaceful and quiet. From its central part southwards there are very nice, clean and tranquil streets lined with very nice houses. There is a great architectural variety of the houses and the people take care to decorate their lawns in front of the houses too, which is pretty neat. Some houses have their mailboxes designed as miniature replicas of the house itself. Cool. I rode the train the other day, but I was really tired for I slept very little the night before and fell a sleep several times. The tracks were above ground and I could observe many houses of different sizes nevertheless, mostly large ones, with swimming pools and clean, small streets in between. I guess, for the most part, the part of SI closer to the ferry is the not so nice one and the not so clean one too, as there are large amounts of litter on the streets, especially on some streets, where lower culture prevails.

It was a funny thing that, in the bus riding to the last stop in Tottenville, a woman asked me about an animal clinic and how far from the bus stop it was. I didn't knew and then she shared in a low voice, even though it was just me, her and the driver in the bus, that she has never been so far and she wanted to feel safe. Wow. She is a SI resident and has never been so.. far?! Some people are living like muslim women here, lol, only in and around the house.

The bus driver was a tattooed youth with piercing and punk hair do. Anyway, the buses have GPS, I thought. I got off on Main str. in Tottenville. The place had this typically American small town feel with low rise brick apartment buildings from the 1920s and small groceries and caffeterias at the ground floors.
Then I followed the street and walked on some half an hour until I reached a dead end street with a grassy trail leading from its side. I asked a woman there standing in front of her house if it was safe to follow the trail, and she said it was ok. So I did and went to the beach, sat there gazing at the waves in quiet. Naturally, there was no one to talk with, lol. Only the sea birds and distant speed boats and yachts, everything else was still. My mind sat still too, comprehending the moment. There is so much beauty in this world.. The setting resonated with the way I feel my life at this moment; standing on a shore line, gazing at the unknown ahead, on the border between the land so far and the unexplored depths of what is to come. The mysterious is so mesmerizing. And I feel so lost and confused, unsure which path to follow, where to go, so widespread and uncertain. Like an electron cloud.

I continued on the serene trail along the beach with marshy woods on my right side and it led me to a nice park with some old community buildings from the late 1800s, when people lived differently. Though not that entirely different. At least a woman has much more freedom today, thank human reason for that. Sat on a wooden bench there, surrounded by the auditory joyfulness of the birds and wrote a poem. Well, a semi-poem, more like a moment of self-reflection put down in words. I don't want to be single for the rest of my life, not at all, but I need to find the right one, one who will share my vision and views. A like-minded friend to share a life with. And have many friends together. Not sure about kids, I don't really see myself having a child at this moment, maybe later on I could feel like it, but that again maybe not.

As I walked back towards the bus stop, looking at those large, clean and well-decorated houses for a moment I felt overwhelmed by the prospect of such a dull family life, even in a large and beautiful house. Nope, that's not for me. I need excitement, adventure, freedom and action. I just can't picture myself as a mom, preparing dinner, while my husband watches TV, lol, I just bursted in laughter for real. I am a creative personality and need a man that will love me, support me morally, like a best friend, but one that will give me enough space to move free. One that can trust me and I can trust him. Such strange contemplations come in my mind, I never thought about such things in this way before. I guess I've grown up now (raising eyebrows). I am just a one-eyed weirdo in the land of the blind.

In all, Staten Island is a nice place in New York, away from the noise and hassle of the city, set among trees, plains, hills and marshes. There are many old houses around the island with authentic architecture in different styles. The ferry ride is one to enjoy too and provides great views towards Manhattan and the surrounding borroughs. So now I'm moving in the city, let's see how that's going to be.

My American Journey. Summer 2010. A Travel Diary - Everything Unwinds Quite Differently Than Imagined

Today was a gorgeous cloudy day in New York. Then a summer rain storm poured down on Staten Island in the afternoon, raining cats and dogs as one English idiom puts it flowery. Very invigorating. The end of my second month in USA approaches and with it my birth day draws near. It's been 26 years since I arrived in this world. Wow. Seems like it will be a loner birthday, but hey, it's too early to say that, since things just may turn 360 degrees around in a stunningly surprising way. I've been through some very weird experiences here already and these just keep accumulating more and more. The summer is going completely like I didn't imagined at all, I thought things differently, in a more settled and straight forward way, since everything was pretty well arranged with my arrival. Ah, unpredictability. It is a property of mine, I should include it in my Resume. And title it "Quantum Autobiography".

Life of elementary particles must be so simple, unlike the complex existence of the more sophisticated bunches of matter.
You are not a singular thing you know, but about a 100x1000 trillion singular things that make you up and keep you going. It is so strange when you think about this. I am made up of trillions of individual cells that constantly buzz with their basic cellular activity, until at some point they completely disintegrate. Makes you wonder, where exactly am I in all those cells. Am I this cell or that cell, are those cells me or am I them?! What the heck am I!? A bunch of cells that think and have the collective sense of consciousness that wanders around and gets into trouble?? Crazy stuff. If life isn't a mystery. I am a mystery. Yeah, that's what i am alright. You are a mystery too, just take the time to step out and think about it. Most people prefer not to, though, it is just way above their willingness to comprehend. Can't blame them, who needs that kind of awareness anyway? Apart from the blissful cosmic insights it brings, it's not especially useful in the mundane everyday activities people undertake, following the social and biological paradigms of life.

So anyway, it's been more than two weeks now since I left the prearranged job. I've been mostly idling around, staying up until late and sleeping 'till noon during most of this time. I haven't written anything since more than a month already, on my book. Just can't get into the mindset for it, I am distracted by everything that has been going on here. Maybe this is a good thing, since I am thinking on all of the issues and topics involved still and tackling them deeper and deeper, while gaining a lot of life experience in this distant land of opportunity and elusive freedom. Actually, I think the more I delay the book, the better it will come out in the end. And my style keeps getting better in time as well. By the end of this year it will be exactly four years since I began writing it, after drafting on the basic synopsis frame. Though, I had large chunks of time not writing at all in this period, about two thirds of it all, or writing very little at a time. However, I can finish it off for about a month of everyday writing or even less. There is time, I feel.

In the meanwhile, this eBay assistant job I found ended up quite unexpectedly. So, this guy who was to be my employer of a sort did sent me a wire transfer and a list of some electronics that he sold over eBay and I had to purchase consequently from Best Buy and send them via USPS to an US address. We kept in touch over the phone for about a week or so, while I received the transfer and then did the job, then he said he will wire me another amount for the next purchase and that was the last I heard from him. I didn't received any other transfers, nor did he contacted me or answered my calls again. Pretty weird. I gained about 500 dollar from this episode and I'm jobless again, lol. Now I have another similar job opportunity of this kind, I guess my CV looks very attractive, 'cause I get a lot of self-starters offers and the like in the last week. I am not sure about that new offer really, it seems very risky and potentially getting-into-troublesome. Not sure what to do. Maybe I should just look for another normal 9 to five job that is reliable and doesn't involve taking financial risks, lol, especially when your finances are on red.
I don't feel like going back home just yet, I am enjoying my independence and self-reliance here. Getting accustomed to the people, they don't seem that weird anymore, the people also seem to get used with me as well, lol. I'm not getting all those strange looks in the bus anymore, probably because of the subjective element getting used to the objective elements, mostly. Starting to like life in New York more and more, not just it's architecture. And I just don't feel like I had enough experience from it, need more, lol.
People are individuals, of course, and you can actually meet some decent ones out on the streets. About two weeks ago I met a woman in the laundromat. We spoke about hairs in the machines sticking to clothes and agreed about it and this peer-like spark flared between us. So we engaged in a conversation, while waiting on the laundry. She is in her late 30s and was there with her daughter. So we exchanged tel. numbers to meet another day. We spoke over the phone a few times, but ones I couldn't, then she couldn't and finally a few days ago we met. I went in her house, a very nice, big house decorated with taste, unlike the one I'm staying at that feels like cardboard house. Then we went off with her car to Staten Island mall, yeah this is a cliche, she went into a brand store to exchange a dress she changed her mind on and while there it turned out there is a 40% discount for coupon holders for the day. I liked a pair of pants, though didn't intent to buy them, but she persuaded me so that to make use of her discount, and later when I was to give her the remaining cash amount, she reduced ten dollars out of it, so I paid 20$ instead of their original 50$ price tag. Then we went into a supermarket place and I made use of her discount card there as well. Cool, so complaisant. I would have done the same if I was her.

Yesterday I met one black guy, I don't usually make friends with people who talk me out on the streets, but this dude showed some good knowledge in geography and he had a red eye, so that I speculated on the possible reasons for this condition and assured him he will not go blind, for he expressed his concern in a humorous way making allusion with pirates and black eye-patches. He seemed like an interesting person to go out some day, but the problem with making new male friends in a foreign country is that they most probably aspire for something more than buddies. We exchanged numbers in the end, it's about time to make some friends here, get to know the locals better. It would have been easier and more convenient if I was with another person, though. 'Cause when you're singular, friendships are made in a different kind of way, I have observed, they are more personal. It is different when you are with someone else and you make friends with a third person.

Anyway, I'm not the kind of person who will "get" a boyfriend only for the boyfriendishness' sake. I don't need it. And my heart is engaged right now. Yeah, still thinking about the charismatic one, that i told you about in the "Twists and Turns of Life" post and particularly at the "Love Story" part of it. I feel love for this man, man. He showed up in a dream of mine a few nights ago. I feel him close, this feeling makes me feel complete, in this in-love kind of way, knowing that the other one is out there, like a soul mate. As if he also thinks of me still and feeling me too, feeling each other, there is no way to know that being so or not anyway, it is just a subjective state. It's nice though, pleasant. Nothing long-term could have come out of this love anyway, considering the circumstances we are meeting in, I am going back to Bulgaria sooner or later, it is there where my home is. We could have been friends though and just enjoy this platonic love fire. Well, I am enjoying it in a way, at least. In this bittery sweet way love tastes. Love like this is like a potent soil fertilizer, growing fruits of wisdom within the one experiencing it. I love you Michael. Maybe it is a good thing things developed this way after all, otherwise who knows what could have happened by now.. i mean, Love from the distance is one thing, but face to face quite another. It could have as well turned out like two neodymium magnets coming together - a collision of high-energy scale.
Oh, yeah, I think this is a good spot to include some editory notes on the "Love Story". Going through the entire development of it from the beginning, I have to say that actually it was not him who insisted on it, but the senior person gave him a green light of sort, showing support for the sparked mutual attraction. So, the "He wanted me to be assigned at the place he was running, so that he can flirt with me, I presume" part is not entirely correct. Either way, I may never know exactly what, who, why, most probably.

Life is full of probabilities! And it's in the hands of unpredictability to handle them (wink). We shall see how things will turn out in the following week ahead. The Universe has been kind of unresponsive recently, having turned her answering machine on. Oh, Universe, pick up the line, it's me! LoL.
In the other news, the sound of the "God prtcl" has been simulated. Wow, the cosmos sounds so in tune, such a mesmerizing symphony of frequencies, how divine indeed. I don't think that the "Higgs particle" will ever be found, it is something else. We'll see. Another newsflash, Michael Jackson has made 1 billion dollars since his death. Alright, he is doing pretty well even from the hereafter, bad thing there are no available wire transfers to there.
Stay tuned.

A Moment to Pause and Stand Rapt in Awe

Contemplation is an amazing quality of human mind. You can indulge in it for hours at a time and feel yourself dissolved into the whole of creation. Life is a pure magic, the way it came to be and the way it dissolves into Eternity. There is so much beauty, so much suffering to it as well. Woody Allen puts it pretty dark with his satirical humor, people get born, they live, they suffer and in the end they just die, lol. But, people don't just die in the end, if they have lived with the whole of their being, they don't just die, they leave a lot behind, influence, remembrance, wisdom. Hindu teachings comfort with the notion of physical rebirth and I don't know about that, but I know about the spiritual rebirth. The hermetic death and the rebirth of the Self, that happens within.

I've been pondering death ever since I can remember. I used to be completely terrified by it when I was a child. I just couldn't accept the thought that one day my parents will die and all my relatives and friends and even I.. just couldn't wrap my mind around it. "Why people die?" I asked myself. I used to imagine what happens after I die. I remember I imagined how I am gone and the world just keeps moving on, everything the same, but only without me. It seemed so pointless. There had to be a greater meaning to this all, I thought. Since then I became a seeker. A seeker of wisdom, knowledge, insight, seeking the meaning. The meaning of life. Such a fundamental question, an age-old question that has bothered human mind probably since the dawn of it.
And answers there are, not one, but many. Many answers in layers and levels. There are levels of truth, just as there are levels of meaning and reality. It all depends on the subject who is asking, I guess. The more you encompass, the more the answer encompasses and the more it transcends the superficial.

Life is but a moment, a moment that we have today and tomorrow we do not. A moment of colors, emotions, sounds and sensations. A moment that is born out of death and rolls back into it. Or that again, maybe death is born out of life and rolls back into it?! "This is correct, my child" a wise guru would say. May be, just maybe. Life follows its dogma, every living thing follows the paradigm of life. Those, who choose not to usually end up as outsiders, monks, weirdos, alienated wise teachers or just undercover loners. Yeah, wisdom has a price. It doesn't come cheap, you know. And that's why all the warnings in the esoteric books. "Don't go too deep in the well or you might drown" It's alright, I can swim. Hey, I can even fly! Yeah. I am a flier. A frequent flier too. I fly a lot, lol, and I don't mean aided by anything apart from Inspiration. This great Spirit of the Universe - Inspiration - that gives you wings and a jet engine even. Inspiration, the greatest high to all artists, poets, philosophers and thinkers alike.
Sometimes loneliness is your best friend though. Just don't tell this to my friends or they may think I don't appreciate them enough, which is far from it!

In time I came to realize that the greater question is not "What is the meaning of life?" but "What is human consciousness?". What is this mind that thinks, this living self-aware brain that is essentially you, me, I?! I, the thinking being, that realizes and contemplates the entire Universe in my meager brain, as compared to the volume of the cosmos. Or maybe it is not just me that contemplates the Universe, but the Universe also contemplates me! We contemplate each other and get to know ourselves in our reflection on the other. If there was no other, no contemplation could exist and without contemplation no awareness could exist and without awareness for the object, the subject could not exist. Everything is interconnected in such an intimate way. Oh, Universe hold me tight, love me, kiss me, don't release me, for I love you too!

What is I? I and wisdom. I and loneliness. I and the most intimate secrets of thy soul. I and the Universe. God lives within me. I am a temple of God. And I even don't exist. I am the Universe without me. I am not. Denial. Self-denial. What is this? A string of words as good as a string of binary code. It is all about whether the receiver can decode it or not. If not, it is just a string of non-sense. Transpersonal Love. Even if life is an illusion, it is the grandest illusion of all. There is something hidden in the human soul, something deep, a door that leads to.. Infinity. God is never farther from you than the veins in your neck, don't forget. It is YOU.

T h i n k | Your mind is not given to you to be idle and asleep, oh, human being.