My American Journey. Summer 2010. A Travel Diary - The Retrospective Reflection. Emotions, Memories, Still Hot and Frenzied

Back home again. I had a head-on come back the past week, continuing the hippie-style hanging out with friends, along with some clubbing and drinking lots of wine and beer, yeah. Lol. I went up to some very refreshing mountain hiking, climbing to Mt. Vitosha’s ‘Kamen del’ summit at the northern side of the mountain, steeply overlooking the city. One of my favorite spots, good for contemplation and experience one of those abstract moments when you step out and feel as one with the mystery of creation. Me and mom went up to Musala summit on Mt. Rila this weekend. It was her first time there. The views were mesmerizing, as always, and the weather not so bad with just a few lightnings here and there behind the distant ridges, some fog that came and went blown by the wind and a little precipitation. The beginning of every trek is the hardest, I have established. You set up your mindset and adjust your body to the physical demands of the environment. Then gradually you settle up your pace and this moment comes when I feel that the more i walk the more I can walk, with some relaxing brakes in between of course. The experience one gains on the mountain trails is so enriching, so powerful and sometimes altering. Just like meeting with new cultures in unexplored cities, although the experience one gains from Nature is mostly one about oneSelf. While new cultures teach you a lot of exterior knowledge, about history and traditions, about peoples and social evolution. You can’t compare exploring mountain trails and exploring new cities, they are both different and both so awesome. I love it. I love my country too, the plains, the mountains, the waters, it’s beauty.

This summer has been quite a cloudy and rainy one here with a lot of thunderstorms. Strange, early spring or fall-like weather conditions. It’s hot and slightly dampy, though it is nothing like in NYC, lol. Last summer was the same. The weather is going crazy alright. Heat waves and excessive water bring misery to communities all over the globe. Last winter snow fell on the beaches of Spain and this summer Russia is being scourged in heat. Seems like the weather swings more and more to the extremes. Surely all this is a part of a pattern that spans much more than the history of human civilization in time. The weather is a complex thing, just like about everything in this world, even though its’ seeming simplicity. Of course, the most complex things many times prove to be of the most simple nature, but that is a matter of perspectives. Anyway, there is the Sun, Earth’s orbit around it and the axes of those two cosmic bodies, then there are magnetic fields, ocean currents and movements of air masses, atmospheric pressures and all the local weather systems that play role.

Wait, why I am talking about the weather? Lol, i may expand on this topic at another time, Global Warming and stuff is a trendy topic nowadays. A major change in technology is imminent, however, and the vibe of the buzz is filling the air. The dead of oil-based technology draws near, however the resistance of big corporations and along this change, another change in minds is also very strong as unfolding potential. A lot of changes, so much potential. But may be that’s how it always has been. After all, human history is one of constant change, the air has always been filled with potential. It is just that the more knowledge we gain collectively in history, the more we progress in it and with the lots of much more humans alive in the past half a century than any other time in history, the less time between great discoveries, advancements and major changes in different aspects and even global ones. So that is why every following century is filled with even more action, progressions of events and historical excitement than the one before. Of course, this progression of human history may turn out in a very different and unexpected way. Imagine it is not all constant advancement that we are facing in this route, I mean, in the cosmos things are made up to follow a rather sharp parabolic curve in their existence, that is a slower beginning, then accelerating peak, then sharp drop down and gradual deceleration towards an existential end or more like a transformation of energies. Either way, it is end for one form of existence, which is the one we are concerned with right now. Left? (wink)

So anyway, back to Earth. It’s good to have Euronews and the documentary channels again and 3in1 instant coffee, lol. There is no Monster energy drinks here though and all the smart and superfoods loaded with a bunch of vitamins so plentiful in US grocery venues. So sad. We definitely need to import these, I’m sure they will have a lot of fans here, along myself.

Looking back now and comparing, I come to see and appreciate the whole of my experience with American culture better, much better even, clearer the details, the knowledge and impressions gained. It is interesting that in order to gain objectivity in your outlook, you have to step out, sometimes literally, but always, this is a rule. Actually, that is why it is easier to judge others than yourself, and be critical to other cultures than your own. Because of human mind being subjective by default and thus all of its experience and the interpretation of this experience. But if you step out you begin to see, when you step out and soar above or position yourself at a center, not at any side.

Speaking of energy drinks, one peculiar difference element is the can size I wondered at much earlier, though haven’t mentioned it so far. In NYC there where three different sizes from which one could choose, that is a medium and big, apart from the standard small size. Like the drinks in fast food chains. I haven’t seen other sizes of cans here in my country, just the standard ones, whether energy drink or soda.

It is a small detail that speaks something on its own about the interesting mechanism of the commercial aspect of American society. The buy-more-pay-less rule is always valid, whether on consumer or industrial scale. The more you produce, the less the cost of every individual production unit and the more you buy, the less you pay per liter or Kg. It is a weird presumption of economics really. I’m sure the whole system can be much more productive and less burdening. After all, economic theory and practice does need a major update after a couple of centuries in use, don’t you think? Anyway, the buy-more-pay-less deal is all prevailing in USA. The up-side is for the businesses that sell more and profit more and consumers get more for less money, however there is a subtle trickstery attached to this market strategy. That is, people are lured to consume more, which leads to other negative effects like obesity and lack of appreciation, which leads to food-fights popular in US culture.

This is just one element in the precarious imbalance of global economy, of course. The buy-more strategy has more up-turns for businesses in the end and overall it seems that US economy favors businesses more than consumers. Corporations over individuals from the general population. The ultimate capitalism, where social ideals are not recognized as anything profitable and thus desirable, even though the warm sentiments of the US Constitution. Anyway, there are a lot of opportunities for making profit in USA, this is true, and it is a great place to do business and trade.

Oh yeah, the black spots all over the streets that I roamed in NYC I told you about in previous posts, I saw the same on public walkways in my city here too. It is a strange thing I never really noticed these before. However, their quantity is way less here and they are absent on many other streets and pavements around the downtown area, where most people converge. Samantha suggested they are old, covered with a thick layer of street dust chewing gums and said that in her city, Rio de Janeiro, the streets also have them and that at places like bus stops they were really a lot.

Peculiar element indeed, I think it has something to do with cultural habits. The bus stops here are not littered with black spots and the streets are rather clean in comparison really, however there is no air condition in public transport. So inconvenient, mostly during the summer that is, at winter there are air heaters on, though sometimes this is annoying when your clothes are warm enough for outside and you don’t want to remove your jacket, hat and everything while riding the bus.

Another small peculiarity I stumbled upon while in the US that came to explanation here were the cigarettes that always lit off when left in the ashtray to burn. My uncle told me this was probably a precaution measure to prevent forest fires, for example. Hmm, interesting suggestion. Instead of relying on people’s conscience and awareness, just make the tobacco fire-proof. You simply can’t rely on people’s conscious behavior, that is why laws, automated mechanisms and bio-engineered tobacco are needed to keep things smooth and safe in check. It will not be too long until cars become fully automated, similar to the scenario showed in Minority Report in this regard, I’m sure.

It is so strange really that people always needed to impose upon themselves social orders and systems in order to attain collective self-control. That’s probably because the individual self-control and awareness have been always missing. So sad. It turned out that we still live at the end of the Middle Ages. Even societies from industrially developed countries still bear so many elements from the past, too much.

On the whole, having still been ruled by instinctive motivators of greed, selfishness, segregation, aggression, domination, lust and all the primitive behavioral patterns and frames that lead to all the different variations of the intrinsic human behavior. Yes, variations, that’s what makes us different. There is rarely anything new or unique in what’s done, in what humans do. Mostly different ways of doing, different paths and recombinations in an increasingly more complex urban environment.

I now confirm to myself that people are pretty much the same. No matter where in the world. No matter whether they belong to a society from the East or from the West. Religions and traditions can make societies quite different from one another, yet the basic human behavior, their aspirations, needs, strives, emotions and relationships are very much the same. People are not that different, at all.

And American society, especially the cosmopolitan one that is found in NYC, is a really interesting experiment, a phenomenon even. Consisting of so many different peoples coming from different cultures, religions and traditions that are kept alive and practiced by all the ethnic groups living together there and yet all the groups are collectively unified under their American Dream and its cultural identifiers. Like a prototype of the future unified global human society. Though, a very unpolished and undeveloped prototype, as I don’t think an economic capitalism with this strong feudal elements is anything peacefully sustainable and positive for a healthy and well balanced society. Of course, there is time for the future humanity and right now things are the way they are, hardly changeable “overnight”.

So, we have to enjoy, since we are here now anyway and lay the foundations for a renewed humanity today, plant the seed, so it can grow and bloom in generations to follow.

I miss Samantha, I sincerely hope she finds her way and accomplishes what she came in New York city for, enroll in professional photography course and find an artistic job in this field, that will grow her from within and bring her a lot of experience. I contemplate on Michael too, it was a strange meeting, and all the intrigues that entangled on the job during this month working for Evelyn Hill, and all the craziness that followed after I decided to leave it and go freelance. Man, I had an awesome summer, just wicked.

Well, I didn’t really made any money, apart from those spent there. And now I have a loan of a couple-o-thousand dollar to return here to my employer-partner with whom we work in eBay, which should be cleared in an year or so worth of monthly bonuses, provided sales are good and better. I’m thinking on proposing an expansion of our e-commerce venture to other trade networks as well, maybe even creating a commercial website on our own, along with our eBay activity, all to boost profits and return money faster.

So there, something positive out of it, a sort of business expansion with willingness to invest more time into, which was something I was trying to avoid previously, because I needed a good part-time job, you know, to have time for study and writing and everything. And this eBay opportunity that popped-up was the perfect thing, considering the very little developed e-commerce and online services fields here in Bulgaria. Anyway, all will be good, I’m sure.

I kind of miss New York now, that city charmed me really, though it feels good to be home after all. Even though I do appreciate that it is a lot easier to start a business or make decent money in NYC than it is here in my city, Sophia. However, the real estate here is much more reasonable on the other hand, of course, not if you are on the average salary.

USA may be a weird place, but it is not so bad place to be after all, at least New York city, has a lot of vibe and possibilities.

Anyway, right now I have to readjust my mindset and do some study for the exams that are due at the beginning of September and then I have to pull all my thoughts together and organize them, concentrate and put all my creativity into completing my book by the end of the year. And next summer I have to graduate my BA. In between all this I must, absolutely must think out a way to establish a good and sustainable income, did some brainstorming today, but all I can think up so far is e-shop with a touch of unconventionality. I have no idea how and where I can supply the inventory, so far. A very basic draft idea that I’ve been having lurking in the back of my mind for some months now. We shall see.

On the photos: Upwards Musala summit. The first photo: a bad photo from Kamen del summit overlooking Sofia city.

p e a c e ;}

My American Journey. Summer 2010. A Travel Diary - Misc. Developments, Impressions, Et Cetera

Today I was to meet a strangely easy-going guy, to whom I spoke the other day on the phone in regards to a job offer for "E-commerce Sales Associate". The address where I was supposed to go was in a south-western location in Brooklyn and he told me that it was "A warehouse, basically".
I looked up the address in Google maps and saw there garage-like doors on a red-brick building stretching along narrow street with a residential compartment building of the same style across the warehouse building. There was an uninviting steel bridge spanning on the background and some graffiti on the walls. "Suspicious" I thought, thinking about psychopaths who lure naive victims, lock them up and torture them to death. As there was no one to take with me and wait me outside, for security, I decided to leave a note in my room with the address and the mobile of the guy, saying that I will be back by 5PM or call if later. A girl from Russia was supposed to review my room on the same day, so my host would see it and keep it in mind. So I did and left.

Took the R train and then walked about half an hour, a distance that strangely didn't seemed that long on the map, as opposed to other times when I walk with ease distances that seem longer on the maps. Probably the difference was due to the mindset. I was in a hurry, late for the interview and concerned about its legitimacy, and the part of the neighborhood it was located at. There was this large, steel bridge following along the route I was going to. Low rise red-brick buildings, road intersections and car-service garages. The local mafia probably resided somewhere around, the setting was just right. So, I reached the place and entered a large, metal-roll garage door that was opened. It was a warehouse alright filled with small and large boxes with electronics, as far as I could observe. There was a latino dude whom I asked for confirmation of the location, he nodded and then asked him for the guy with whom I was supposed to meet. He went into a door at the warehouse wall and then called me in.

There was a corridor and offices inside, everything seemed normal, just right. I was surprised to see that the guy in question was a Jewish person dressed in white shirt and black trousers, just the black coat and the stovepipe hat were missing, he had his kippah on though, also plain black. He behaved weird, almost as if the whole interview was a joke. I presented my qualities and skills to him in a professional and confident manner of speech and he said he was impressed. Then another Jewish man came into the office, but he didn't shake hands with me due to religious reasons. They discussed my best possible assignment and decided they'll call me after the 4th of July holidays for a 30-day trial of my performance. We discussed vaguely the payment, I know Jewish people prefer to receive money, rather than give it out, so I decided to negotiate the salary more thoroughly when definite assignment is given next week. Good, I left and took on a right turn to wander a bit around the streets at this part of Brooklyn. Then another guy called me, also impressed by my Resume (good thing I didn't included the Unpredictable quality after all. It may be a plus if I apply for a job at CERN though for a position of "Experimental Particle" or something similar, hey they may find new elements in me colliding my protons with protons of the Universe, who knows, I may contain atoms from the Big Bang, lol) anyway, where was I. The other guy also needed a person to work with e-commerce websites, but initially he needed that person for customer service position, while things get going in the office, as the firm was a new starter and was yet to develop its business. Sounds interesting.
I can't take both jobs at once, but which one should I choose? Now here's again one of these choices in life. The Jewish people don't seem very reliable and they seem stingy too. Though I may be wrong. The new-starter firm has some potential prospects in it, since it is new, I could contribute to its growth and thus establish myself there and my pay too. I will see to try them both and just take one. Hey, I'm not going to be here too long any way, even though I pretend otherwise.

On the way back I walked again to the train, this time with a different mindset, the weather was pleasant, the people awkward, the urban setting just like from the movies. The stop was located on a high place and there was this nice urban view towards the Statue of Liberty, which was clearly visible in the distance. "Ah, my old colleagues are arranging keychains and folding t-shirts hard right now and I'm here looking at them from the height and I'm free!" LoL.

Then I went to a real estate agency to see for cheap rents for the week to follow. Wrong. You don't go to an agency when you need cheap. They charge a service tax, stupid. Right. So I'll have to look up in websites or on Craigslist for offers directly from renters. By the way, when I informed my host that I'll be leaving in about a week he said "Ok, but you don't get your security deposit back without a 30 day notice".. "What?!" I was shocked. "Listen now, you HAVE to give me back my money.. or I'll kick your butt!" Nah, I didn't said it like that, but was persuasive enough to make him rethink. So we made a deal that if he finds someone to fill up my place until the 30th of June, he would return my deposit, because "It's just not ethical" he said, right you are. Actually, I really don't have the money to pay him the rent for next month anyway, that is why I need my deposit back, so that I look up a cheaper place, pay it for a week until I receive some payment from somewhere and move in another place for a full month, or pay for another week if things go slower.
Risk it, head on, let's see how things will turn out in the end. You either win or loose, in both cases its a win-win situation, because I gain experience and even some wisdom and insight here and there, I value these more than money, though money is what I need right now.

When I went back "home" I spoke with him and in the end I was able to negotiate to stay until the 7th of July for 105$ and he will return me 345$ from my original deposit, so, instead of paying 125$ minimum for the week ahead worth of rent I only paid 50$, which was a pretty good bargain, excellent.

On the way back to Staten Island I diverged to Wall St. It was my first visit to the notorious place, though I have passed by it many times already. On the Parthenon-styled arch held by classic Greek-style columns with this predominant leafy design of the capitals in New York city there was a scene of stone-cut statues of people working on the field, lol. The peculiar element however was the central figure, which was a woman with Hermes' wings on her head. Strange. Women are incorporated in New York's architectural symbolism in a very peculiar way, not sure where this tendency derives from, is it because of the initial mythological symbolism incorporated in the Statue of Liberty by its designer? Very interesting, female-warrior and strong, leader-type females are seen at a lot of places in statues and stone reliefs around Manhattan, along with Mercury and his accessories. So mysterious, and yet there hasn't been a female president for instance. Strange messages or whatever the reason for this architectural tendency here. I just love the architecture of NYC, it's scale and grandeur are overwhelming, so cool. Provide great landscape for some awesome vertical photography too.

As for those prevailing black spots on the pavements I mentioned in previous posts, one person a while ago that we spoke casually on a bus stop suggested that they may be old chewing gums. "What, so many?!". Weird, I should scratch them some time to inspect them closer up, so to determine their possible origins first hand. I mean, chewing gums? This may be the urban effect of American chewing culture, lol, side effect that is.
Another peculiarity in the news, people here seem to still live in the Cold War era with one foot. In the recent days there has been reports in the local news channels about Russian spies that have been intercepted by the US government in New Jersey and detained in charges of spying and exporting government secrets to Russia. LoL, now that's funny. This is serious stuff man, it is Spy business! When are we going to grow up, this is just so sad and pitiful. Economy based on war, just so sad. Why can't peoples just cooperate with each other, cooperation can also be a form of competition, so that advancement be ensured, right!?

My American Journey. Summer 2010. A Travel Diary - Staten Island

There hasn't been much development in the past week. Been mostly contemplating on fundamental matters, wandering around and seeking out unconventional job opportunities in the fields of 1099, freelance or a project job. There is a lot of scam and fraud in USA, no wonder Hermes is everywhere in the architectural elements. The place for thieves, tricksters and fraudulent-minded people. Also there are a lot of psychos, I know, so I have to be especially careful for this one really. Scarry. Anyway, my funds are running out and with it my time here as well, unless a reliable opportunity finally finds me. Contacted a few people looking for someone to fix some work for them in Ebay, but no answer so far. Will be moving out of Staten Island in the days to follow, not sure where yet, we'll see.

Not that I didn't liked the place here, I'm sure I'm not finding any better one for these money, but the hosts began to annoy me too much really. They started asking me questions am I working, why I stay up at night and sleep late, this and that. I'm beginning to feel as if on a student camp and the teachers supervising over me. Beat it. It's time to move in the city full time, this way I can explore it in the evenings as well, since I'll be living closer by. However, don't get me wrong, my hosts here are very nice and helpful people and they are hospitable on the whole.

I've been exploring Staten Island these days and toured it from coast to coast with the bus and on foot. In all, it is a really nice place to live. Suburban, plenty of nature, peaceful and quiet. From its central part southwards there are very nice, clean and tranquil streets lined with very nice houses. There is a great architectural variety of the houses and the people take care to decorate their lawns in front of the houses too, which is pretty neat. Some houses have their mailboxes designed as miniature replicas of the house itself. Cool. I rode the train the other day, but I was really tired for I slept very little the night before and fell a sleep several times. The tracks were above ground and I could observe many houses of different sizes nevertheless, mostly large ones, with swimming pools and clean, small streets in between. I guess, for the most part, the part of SI closer to the ferry is the not so nice one and the not so clean one too, as there are large amounts of litter on the streets, especially on some streets, where lower culture prevails.

It was a funny thing that, in the bus riding to the last stop in Tottenville, a woman asked me about an animal clinic and how far from the bus stop it was. I didn't knew and then she shared in a low voice, even though it was just me, her and the driver in the bus, that she has never been so far and she wanted to feel safe. Wow. She is a SI resident and has never been so.. far?! Some people are living like muslim women here, lol, only in and around the house.

The bus driver was a tattooed youth with piercing and punk hair do. Anyway, the buses have GPS, I thought. I got off on Main str. in Tottenville. The place had this typically American small town feel with low rise brick apartment buildings from the 1920s and small groceries and caffeterias at the ground floors.
Then I followed the street and walked on some half an hour until I reached a dead end street with a grassy trail leading from its side. I asked a woman there standing in front of her house if it was safe to follow the trail, and she said it was ok. So I did and went to the beach, sat there gazing at the waves in quiet. Naturally, there was no one to talk with, lol. Only the sea birds and distant speed boats and yachts, everything else was still. My mind sat still too, comprehending the moment. There is so much beauty in this world.. The setting resonated with the way I feel my life at this moment; standing on a shore line, gazing at the unknown ahead, on the border between the land so far and the unexplored depths of what is to come. The mysterious is so mesmerizing. And I feel so lost and confused, unsure which path to follow, where to go, so widespread and uncertain. Like an electron cloud.

I continued on the serene trail along the beach with marshy woods on my right side and it led me to a nice park with some old community buildings from the late 1800s, when people lived differently. Though not that entirely different. At least a woman has much more freedom today, thank human reason for that. Sat on a wooden bench there, surrounded by the auditory joyfulness of the birds and wrote a poem. Well, a semi-poem, more like a moment of self-reflection put down in words. I don't want to be single for the rest of my life, not at all, but I need to find the right one, one who will share my vision and views. A like-minded friend to share a life with. And have many friends together. Not sure about kids, I don't really see myself having a child at this moment, maybe later on I could feel like it, but that again maybe not.

As I walked back towards the bus stop, looking at those large, clean and well-decorated houses for a moment I felt overwhelmed by the prospect of such a dull family life, even in a large and beautiful house. Nope, that's not for me. I need excitement, adventure, freedom and action. I just can't picture myself as a mom, preparing dinner, while my husband watches TV, lol, I just bursted in laughter for real. I am a creative personality and need a man that will love me, support me morally, like a best friend, but one that will give me enough space to move free. One that can trust me and I can trust him. Such strange contemplations come in my mind, I never thought about such things in this way before. I guess I've grown up now (raising eyebrows). I am just a one-eyed weirdo in the land of the blind.

In all, Staten Island is a nice place in New York, away from the noise and hassle of the city, set among trees, plains, hills and marshes. There are many old houses around the island with authentic architecture in different styles. The ferry ride is one to enjoy too and provides great views towards Manhattan and the surrounding borroughs. So now I'm moving in the city, let's see how that's going to be.

My American Journey. Summer 2010. A Travel Diary - Everything Unwinds Quite Differently Than Imagined

Today was a gorgeous cloudy day in New York. Then a summer rain storm poured down on Staten Island in the afternoon, raining cats and dogs as one English idiom puts it flowery. Very invigorating. The end of my second month in USA approaches and with it my birth day draws near. It's been 26 years since I arrived in this world. Wow. Seems like it will be a loner birthday, but hey, it's too early to say that, since things just may turn 360 degrees around in a stunningly surprising way. I've been through some very weird experiences here already and these just keep accumulating more and more. The summer is going completely like I didn't imagined at all, I thought things differently, in a more settled and straight forward way, since everything was pretty well arranged with my arrival. Ah, unpredictability. It is a property of mine, I should include it in my Resume. And title it "Quantum Autobiography".

Life of elementary particles must be so simple, unlike the complex existence of the more sophisticated bunches of matter.
You are not a singular thing you know, but about a 100x1000 trillion singular things that make you up and keep you going. It is so strange when you think about this. I am made up of trillions of individual cells that constantly buzz with their basic cellular activity, until at some point they completely disintegrate. Makes you wonder, where exactly am I in all those cells. Am I this cell or that cell, are those cells me or am I them?! What the heck am I!? A bunch of cells that think and have the collective sense of consciousness that wanders around and gets into trouble?? Crazy stuff. If life isn't a mystery. I am a mystery. Yeah, that's what i am alright. You are a mystery too, just take the time to step out and think about it. Most people prefer not to, though, it is just way above their willingness to comprehend. Can't blame them, who needs that kind of awareness anyway? Apart from the blissful cosmic insights it brings, it's not especially useful in the mundane everyday activities people undertake, following the social and biological paradigms of life.

So anyway, it's been more than two weeks now since I left the prearranged job. I've been mostly idling around, staying up until late and sleeping 'till noon during most of this time. I haven't written anything since more than a month already, on my book. Just can't get into the mindset for it, I am distracted by everything that has been going on here. Maybe this is a good thing, since I am thinking on all of the issues and topics involved still and tackling them deeper and deeper, while gaining a lot of life experience in this distant land of opportunity and elusive freedom. Actually, I think the more I delay the book, the better it will come out in the end. And my style keeps getting better in time as well. By the end of this year it will be exactly four years since I began writing it, after drafting on the basic synopsis frame. Though, I had large chunks of time not writing at all in this period, about two thirds of it all, or writing very little at a time. However, I can finish it off for about a month of everyday writing or even less. There is time, I feel.

In the meanwhile, this eBay assistant job I found ended up quite unexpectedly. So, this guy who was to be my employer of a sort did sent me a wire transfer and a list of some electronics that he sold over eBay and I had to purchase consequently from Best Buy and send them via USPS to an US address. We kept in touch over the phone for about a week or so, while I received the transfer and then did the job, then he said he will wire me another amount for the next purchase and that was the last I heard from him. I didn't received any other transfers, nor did he contacted me or answered my calls again. Pretty weird. I gained about 500 dollar from this episode and I'm jobless again, lol. Now I have another similar job opportunity of this kind, I guess my CV looks very attractive, 'cause I get a lot of self-starters offers and the like in the last week. I am not sure about that new offer really, it seems very risky and potentially getting-into-troublesome. Not sure what to do. Maybe I should just look for another normal 9 to five job that is reliable and doesn't involve taking financial risks, lol, especially when your finances are on red.
I don't feel like going back home just yet, I am enjoying my independence and self-reliance here. Getting accustomed to the people, they don't seem that weird anymore, the people also seem to get used with me as well, lol. I'm not getting all those strange looks in the bus anymore, probably because of the subjective element getting used to the objective elements, mostly. Starting to like life in New York more and more, not just it's architecture. And I just don't feel like I had enough experience from it, need more, lol.
People are individuals, of course, and you can actually meet some decent ones out on the streets. About two weeks ago I met a woman in the laundromat. We spoke about hairs in the machines sticking to clothes and agreed about it and this peer-like spark flared between us. So we engaged in a conversation, while waiting on the laundry. She is in her late 30s and was there with her daughter. So we exchanged tel. numbers to meet another day. We spoke over the phone a few times, but ones I couldn't, then she couldn't and finally a few days ago we met. I went in her house, a very nice, big house decorated with taste, unlike the one I'm staying at that feels like cardboard house. Then we went off with her car to Staten Island mall, yeah this is a cliche, she went into a brand store to exchange a dress she changed her mind on and while there it turned out there is a 40% discount for coupon holders for the day. I liked a pair of pants, though didn't intent to buy them, but she persuaded me so that to make use of her discount, and later when I was to give her the remaining cash amount, she reduced ten dollars out of it, so I paid 20$ instead of their original 50$ price tag. Then we went into a supermarket place and I made use of her discount card there as well. Cool, so complaisant. I would have done the same if I was her.

Yesterday I met one black guy, I don't usually make friends with people who talk me out on the streets, but this dude showed some good knowledge in geography and he had a red eye, so that I speculated on the possible reasons for this condition and assured him he will not go blind, for he expressed his concern in a humorous way making allusion with pirates and black eye-patches. He seemed like an interesting person to go out some day, but the problem with making new male friends in a foreign country is that they most probably aspire for something more than buddies. We exchanged numbers in the end, it's about time to make some friends here, get to know the locals better. It would have been easier and more convenient if I was with another person, though. 'Cause when you're singular, friendships are made in a different kind of way, I have observed, they are more personal. It is different when you are with someone else and you make friends with a third person.

Anyway, I'm not the kind of person who will "get" a boyfriend only for the boyfriendishness' sake. I don't need it. And my heart is engaged right now. Yeah, still thinking about the charismatic one, that i told you about in the "Twists and Turns of Life" post and particularly at the "Love Story" part of it. I feel love for this man, man. He showed up in a dream of mine a few nights ago. I feel him close, this feeling makes me feel complete, in this in-love kind of way, knowing that the other one is out there, like a soul mate. As if he also thinks of me still and feeling me too, feeling each other, there is no way to know that being so or not anyway, it is just a subjective state. It's nice though, pleasant. Nothing long-term could have come out of this love anyway, considering the circumstances we are meeting in, I am going back to Bulgaria sooner or later, it is there where my home is. We could have been friends though and just enjoy this platonic love fire. Well, I am enjoying it in a way, at least. In this bittery sweet way love tastes. Love like this is like a potent soil fertilizer, growing fruits of wisdom within the one experiencing it. I love you Michael. Maybe it is a good thing things developed this way after all, otherwise who knows what could have happened by now.. i mean, Love from the distance is one thing, but face to face quite another. It could have as well turned out like two neodymium magnets coming together - a collision of high-energy scale.
Oh, yeah, I think this is a good spot to include some editory notes on the "Love Story". Going through the entire development of it from the beginning, I have to say that actually it was not him who insisted on it, but the senior person gave him a green light of sort, showing support for the sparked mutual attraction. So, the "He wanted me to be assigned at the place he was running, so that he can flirt with me, I presume" part is not entirely correct. Either way, I may never know exactly what, who, why, most probably.

Life is full of probabilities! And it's in the hands of unpredictability to handle them (wink). We shall see how things will turn out in the following week ahead. The Universe has been kind of unresponsive recently, having turned her answering machine on. Oh, Universe, pick up the line, it's me! LoL.
In the other news, the sound of the "God prtcl" has been simulated. Wow, the cosmos sounds so in tune, such a mesmerizing symphony of frequencies, how divine indeed. I don't think that the "Higgs particle" will ever be found, it is something else. We'll see. Another newsflash, Michael Jackson has made 1 billion dollars since his death. Alright, he is doing pretty well even from the hereafter, bad thing there are no available wire transfers to there.
Stay tuned.

My American Journey. Summer 2010. A Travel Diary - The Twists and Turns of Life

Yeah, some time passed again without me writing anything. But things haven't been still, though. Where do I start from. Life, life is a funny thing. A strange thing, full of twists and turns, of joy and sorrow, ups and downs. So short to encompass everything and yet long enough to experience a lot. We make decisions and decisions make us. Life is a string of choices, a beaded necklace that we tread with each choice we make. Choices stem out of choices, opening new paths that lead to new destinations. Destinations are never as important as the journey itself and this is always true, as long as it is true that death itself is not the goal of life. Or maybe life is the goal of death?! Either way, the spiral of existence will always loop towards infinity. The main problem with Infinity, from a human point of view, is that when you think too much about it you just loose the sense of meaning to this life and this entire Universe even, as a temporal transient existential structure. I know, sounds too fancy, but these are fundamental topics being described by mere words here. Alright, I got carried out, this is not what I am going to write about. I will share with you something way more down to earth and commonly trivial. The brief story of the past month and how things entangled into an unforeseen outcome. Let's begin with an overview of

The Job

Hmm, the job. Ahh, uh, yes, I should begin with interjections. The job position is formally designated as a Gift Shop Worker, which includes the usual boring duties associated with this kind of unprofessional engagements. Now you'll say "Well, since you know it's boring, why did you applied for it on the first place?".
Well, firstly, because my initial plans on coming over to NYC included exciting endeavors with literary agents and publishing houses, that had to be dropped due to the unfinished book. This was the first turn. Secondly, I am just that adventurous type of person and just wanted to have some fun, new experience and also this is a good chance to come over and meet American culture first hand, to gain some insight and observation from within. It's not all about making cash.
Not that this sort of jobs are that boring in general, I had worked in this kind of environment before, in Dubai Duty Free shop. Though, back then I was twenty and I really viewed things, well, differently. Even though the job descriptions are very much the same, the experience developed quite differently. Maybe because the clientelle back then in "the desert" seemed somewhat more interesting to interact with, telling me interesting stories of their experiences around the world, there was much more customer service and customer interaction. And the colleague environment was much more fun and, how you said it, receptive. But that alone wasn't the reason why things didn't worked out though.

Lastly, this kind of basic job positions are the only ones available to students, apart from university internships and the like. So, if you want to use your student status to do some traveling, you just have to settle with this kind of work. On this job here, the customers turned out to be boring, basically only asking me the prices of things, as if I look like a price list or something. But at least if the colleagues were cool, but they turned out to be dull with this stereotypal mindset of "I hate my job", always long-faced and not very friendly-oriented. A lot of cons accumulated from the beginning.

And even though, I didn't really had plans on quitting this job, despite its seeming boredomness, but rather I planned on finding a second part-time one to meet different people and boost earnings of course, there is initial investment in this trip, however these ideas also had to be dropped quickly, as I ascertained that having a full-time job engagement just doesn't leave you much room for a second job and I seriously had overestimated my work-a-holic abilities. Yeah, if you are willing to sacrifice your days off and deprive your self from sleep I guess a second job is doable. But I am the creative, opportunistic type of person, rather than the working zombie type. I need my freedom and coming to the realization that people in the "Land of Freedom" aren't as free, as they are taught to think they are, the second-job plans had to be dropped as well. But flexibility is a good trait to cultivate and making fast adjustments to my plans is not a problem. Ok, just stick to this job, I thought, enjoy it as much as you can and just enjoy your free time out, in and around the city. Sure, but soon after another twist came into the scene

The Inconvenient Issue

I will repeat myself from another place, but I am completely amazed at the degree of general ignorance female genital infections are plagued by in modern society. Wait, genital infections?! Yeah, genital infections. I told you it will be banal. I know I have the right of privacy, but there is nothing to hide and sharing is always a good thing, unless it comes to sharing sensitive financial information or company secrets and the like, you know what I mean. Anyway, vaginal infections are a woman's biggest nightmare and greatest embarrassment. Now, I am not going to cover this topic here and my experience with it, since I may repulse my readers, but I will give a link to another blog of mine, where whomever might be interested can read more on this, out of curiosity or seeking some practical advice. It is here.

So, to my complete horror, my body steadily went on its craziest going-wild since I arrived in USA. Not sure why really, adjustment stress, change of diet, other environmental factors, endocrine disruptors in the air!? Just joking on that last one. The real problem is, that having vaginal floral imbalance can be a great social distress for the woman experiencing it and I got my share of distress alright. No STDs here, just plain old bacterial overgrowth that leads to some very unpleasant side effects that can greatly impair your ability to perform well in social contacts, makes you extremely self-conscious in the external type of this notion and generally ruins your day, and days.

Following this unforeseen shift in my health status, my colleagues on the job, behaving with a certain degree of hostility since the beginning, saw this unfortunate biochemical development of mine as a welcome reason for them to harass me about it as much as they could. The increased stress levels didn't helped me at all, so I had to take a leave for a week. That was last week.
I was feeling miserable, like a freak. Good thing there is internet and I found support from other women who experience or have experienced microbiological distresses like this, who gave advice and reassurance. I did thought about visiting a gynecologist, of course, but then I met the American Health Care System face to face.

First, I Googled about near by doctors I can visit and chose a place. I went and presented them with my health insurance Bulstrad Life in association with Coris International. Riiight. They never heard about it. So, I had to pay 150$ just for the consultation. It was then when I decided that I will go for the natural remedies. That was about three weeks plus ago.
The natural remedies do work, but they do take time to start working. And if your body is like mine, usually resistant to everything for a while before it lets it in, whether good or bad, it will take more time for the goodies to build up and take effect. And time was what I didn't had. After two weeks I decided again to give it a try with the doctors. I called a hospital in Staten Island and asked for an appointment with a gynecologist, but the voice over the phone told me that they don't accept new patients until the end of August.

Great, another bummer. Then I looked for another of those private gynecological cabinets near by and found one with an Arab woman doctor. Arabs are usually nice people, generous, they will feed you if you are hungry, so they may as well provide you with medical assistance if you can't afford it.
In short, I went, they called the insurance company, the company spokesperson politely in a politically correct manner declined any responsibilities to my health coverage, the doctor told me I have to pay 175$ for her consultation, I told her I can't afford this at the moment, she asked me how much I can pay, but really I wasn't willing to pay anything or I risked running out of cash with this week off I had taken. I already had done quite a lot of research on the web and established a diagnosis for myself, that actually turned out to be a recurrence, I only asked her to write me a prescription with antibiotics, since this is the fastest way to get better, even though not the longest term one. However, she refused, I tried to persuade her, but she was uncompromising. So I just had to stick with the herbal remedies and the recovery diet. Which is taking effect by now. Though, there are some things that I painfully have to exclude from my diet, like coffee, and I am very sad about this as well. Read if you will at the link above. So much for the health issues. Let's move on to the third intermingled layer of this complex development of the whole situation here

The Love Story

Ah, love, such a beautiful thing. So trivial and yet the soul can ascend to such euphoric spiritual heights on its wings. Day dreaming, pleasant emotions in your chest. So sweet. Let me start from the beginning. Prepare for a soap-romance kind of a story with a big dose of intrigue.

The beginning began, well, kind of a from first sight. Not a cliche. It was a strange attraction that flared up between me and a manager person who was there along with a senior one when I went to present myself to the employer company for the first time.
At first, I just kind of an "unconsciously" cast the occasional look at him, just because he seemed nice and there was this certain charm in his radiance, while speaking with the senior one. I wasn't thinking anything really. However, he did got into my mind for some reason, maybe because I wasn't engaging myself enough with other mental activities.
Then, after a week or so, on the orientation training day this charismatic person behaved in a peculiar, if not strange fashion. The first thing I noticed was the way he greeted me, somewhat personal, somewhat affectionate. I preferred to ignore that, since self-suggestion is always around the corner. Then there were other peculiar elements in his subtle interaction with me that I will skip on describing, because it will just sound weird in words. The behavior of the senior person in this regard was also strange. As if he was cooperating with the younger one, having recognized the mutual attraction. I so much don't like this kind of subtle relations without any direct vocalization. It's so mysterious and prone to self-suggestion. Can't people just openly speak to each other whatever there is they may wish to share?

Anyway, the younger one then wanted me to be assigned at the place he was running, so that he can flirt with me, I presume. I did felt attraction to him, yes. Attraction that later developed into falling in love. However, I noticed a ring band on his hand and this was my major draw back. I mean, why would this person behave like this if he was married? And why would the senior one cooperate with him in this regard? Why, why? So strange. No answers. What am I getting myself into? Is he a mormon or something?! Being love-sick at the job place was the last thing I wanted. I mean, I don't have time and mental resources to allocate to day dreaming, I have a book to finish! What is up with this turn of events!? My heart was beating all excited, pumping blood excessively, making me hot and my brain got a headache.
I decided to step back and chose the other place, where I wouldn't see him, otherwise, this fatal attraction was too risky to handle if we were to see each other every day.

So I went to the Tent. And my bad experience began from there. First there were the weirdo colleague persons, looking at me as if I ate their breakfast. Then the Inconvenient Issue set in the picture and totally messed up everything that I had initially settled for this NYC summer, after the Main Plan was postponed. But that was not all. The charismatic person did indeed felt a strong attraction to me, just as I did for him. And all this from the distance of the ocean, even though about five minute distance by boat.
He called in the Tent, probably about a week after or so, and declared something like "I want her over to my place, because I like her". But he met resistance from the minor managers in the Tent place, who were reluctant to let me over due to one reason and another.
Of course, no one was telling me anything, but that again, I am not def and not stupid by any means as well, even if I may seem ignorant to the casual observer. I was just hearing comments and sporadic discussions about this and based on my initial observation on his behavior based on the attraction and everything I was able to figure out the situation.

A very delicate and complex situation indeed. There was hot intrigue unwinding, the conditions inside the Tent were no cooler, pressure was building and gossip was going wild.
In the meanwhile, I was suffering from seriously low self-esteem due to my bad bacteria going on strike inside of me. And knowing that he likes me and it was no secret to anyone, apart from me, just made me feel like wishing to disappear and reappear somewhere in the Himalayas. I saw two Himalayan monks doing some gift shopping on that day, by the way. Probably a Synchronicity effect.
Oh, and the comments later on developed in some really stupid ones, like "He wants to fuck her". Tell me if all this was a self-suggestion and those comments were meant for someone else. Because I kind of a have built a good degree of confidence in my rationality, over time. However, I can't really completely rule suggestion out, although being wrong in my observations and orientation in the situation is rather unlikely.

And so, I couldn't take all this anymore and took a week off to recover from stress on the job and to decide on what to do based on all the craziness that developed in the preceding weeks. I was close to loosing my mind in that place, lol. During this week I definitely felt myself on the road to recovery and regained my confidence. I also decided to try my chances and look for another, a more suitable and somewhat more interesting job. So I went for "work at home" opportunities, something that will not involve specific working hours nor place, but rather specific targets and deadlines. A more self-initiative opportunity that will give me some space to breathe.

And thank to the Universe, that always guides me the right way, I stumbled upon just the right job offer. An eBay Assistant. Oh, well, I guess I have an eBay karma of some sort. Anywho, I called a guy and after a pre-practiced verbal introduction of my skills and qualities he decided to hire me. We signed a contract over the web, well I signed it and photographed it and sent him the photo via email. I guess that works. The job involves purchasing the items and shipping them via the nearest USPS office. Let's see how well will that go. I hope well enough, because after the recovery week ended, I made a final decision to leave Evelyn Hill. Shht, don't tell anyone. LOL. What the heck, it is still a job, right? I will still pay taxes and spend my money back into the US economy, so it is alright. The rules still apply.

I kind of a feel nostalgic today for quitting the prearranged job, not sure why. And it was a tough decision to make, considering all the events that developed and this attraction with this man. I tried to discuss this side of the whole situation with the senior manager when I went to ask for a permanent leave, but I just couldn't speak out a word on this. So I just left feeling very down and unsettled from within. A lot of questions remained somewhat open. I know I should have said something, or maybe not? I don't know. I definitely had a strange experience with this job, due to both internal and external factors. It was crazy. I wonder what else lies ahead. We shall see. Life is a journey full of twists and turns that we undertake or that drag us along. You have to keep walking, be like water, but like a river, not a pond.

This is about all for now. All comments and feedback are greatly appreciated! Tell me what you think, advise, criticize, anything. I would love to hear from my readers :)

D r e a m O n



beatfarmer - The Long Day, Over by beatfarmer