My American Journey. Summer 2010. A Travel Diary - Everything Unwinds Quite Differently Than Imagined

Today was a gorgeous cloudy day in New York. Then a summer rain storm poured down on Staten Island in the afternoon, raining cats and dogs as one English idiom puts it flowery. Very invigorating. The end of my second month in USA approaches and with it my birth day draws near. It's been 26 years since I arrived in this world. Wow. Seems like it will be a loner birthday, but hey, it's too early to say that, since things just may turn 360 degrees around in a stunningly surprising way. I've been through some very weird experiences here already and these just keep accumulating more and more. The summer is going completely like I didn't imagined at all, I thought things differently, in a more settled and straight forward way, since everything was pretty well arranged with my arrival. Ah, unpredictability. It is a property of mine, I should include it in my Resume. And title it "Quantum Autobiography".

Life of elementary particles must be so simple, unlike the complex existence of the more sophisticated bunches of matter.
You are not a singular thing you know, but about a 100x1000 trillion singular things that make you up and keep you going. It is so strange when you think about this. I am made up of trillions of individual cells that constantly buzz with their basic cellular activity, until at some point they completely disintegrate. Makes you wonder, where exactly am I in all those cells. Am I this cell or that cell, are those cells me or am I them?! What the heck am I!? A bunch of cells that think and have the collective sense of consciousness that wanders around and gets into trouble?? Crazy stuff. If life isn't a mystery. I am a mystery. Yeah, that's what i am alright. You are a mystery too, just take the time to step out and think about it. Most people prefer not to, though, it is just way above their willingness to comprehend. Can't blame them, who needs that kind of awareness anyway? Apart from the blissful cosmic insights it brings, it's not especially useful in the mundane everyday activities people undertake, following the social and biological paradigms of life.

So anyway, it's been more than two weeks now since I left the prearranged job. I've been mostly idling around, staying up until late and sleeping 'till noon during most of this time. I haven't written anything since more than a month already, on my book. Just can't get into the mindset for it, I am distracted by everything that has been going on here. Maybe this is a good thing, since I am thinking on all of the issues and topics involved still and tackling them deeper and deeper, while gaining a lot of life experience in this distant land of opportunity and elusive freedom. Actually, I think the more I delay the book, the better it will come out in the end. And my style keeps getting better in time as well. By the end of this year it will be exactly four years since I began writing it, after drafting on the basic synopsis frame. Though, I had large chunks of time not writing at all in this period, about two thirds of it all, or writing very little at a time. However, I can finish it off for about a month of everyday writing or even less. There is time, I feel.

In the meanwhile, this eBay assistant job I found ended up quite unexpectedly. So, this guy who was to be my employer of a sort did sent me a wire transfer and a list of some electronics that he sold over eBay and I had to purchase consequently from Best Buy and send them via USPS to an US address. We kept in touch over the phone for about a week or so, while I received the transfer and then did the job, then he said he will wire me another amount for the next purchase and that was the last I heard from him. I didn't received any other transfers, nor did he contacted me or answered my calls again. Pretty weird. I gained about 500 dollar from this episode and I'm jobless again, lol. Now I have another similar job opportunity of this kind, I guess my CV looks very attractive, 'cause I get a lot of self-starters offers and the like in the last week. I am not sure about that new offer really, it seems very risky and potentially getting-into-troublesome. Not sure what to do. Maybe I should just look for another normal 9 to five job that is reliable and doesn't involve taking financial risks, lol, especially when your finances are on red.
I don't feel like going back home just yet, I am enjoying my independence and self-reliance here. Getting accustomed to the people, they don't seem that weird anymore, the people also seem to get used with me as well, lol. I'm not getting all those strange looks in the bus anymore, probably because of the subjective element getting used to the objective elements, mostly. Starting to like life in New York more and more, not just it's architecture. And I just don't feel like I had enough experience from it, need more, lol.
People are individuals, of course, and you can actually meet some decent ones out on the streets. About two weeks ago I met a woman in the laundromat. We spoke about hairs in the machines sticking to clothes and agreed about it and this peer-like spark flared between us. So we engaged in a conversation, while waiting on the laundry. She is in her late 30s and was there with her daughter. So we exchanged tel. numbers to meet another day. We spoke over the phone a few times, but ones I couldn't, then she couldn't and finally a few days ago we met. I went in her house, a very nice, big house decorated with taste, unlike the one I'm staying at that feels like cardboard house. Then we went off with her car to Staten Island mall, yeah this is a cliche, she went into a brand store to exchange a dress she changed her mind on and while there it turned out there is a 40% discount for coupon holders for the day. I liked a pair of pants, though didn't intent to buy them, but she persuaded me so that to make use of her discount, and later when I was to give her the remaining cash amount, she reduced ten dollars out of it, so I paid 20$ instead of their original 50$ price tag. Then we went into a supermarket place and I made use of her discount card there as well. Cool, so complaisant. I would have done the same if I was her.

Yesterday I met one black guy, I don't usually make friends with people who talk me out on the streets, but this dude showed some good knowledge in geography and he had a red eye, so that I speculated on the possible reasons for this condition and assured him he will not go blind, for he expressed his concern in a humorous way making allusion with pirates and black eye-patches. He seemed like an interesting person to go out some day, but the problem with making new male friends in a foreign country is that they most probably aspire for something more than buddies. We exchanged numbers in the end, it's about time to make some friends here, get to know the locals better. It would have been easier and more convenient if I was with another person, though. 'Cause when you're singular, friendships are made in a different kind of way, I have observed, they are more personal. It is different when you are with someone else and you make friends with a third person.

Anyway, I'm not the kind of person who will "get" a boyfriend only for the boyfriendishness' sake. I don't need it. And my heart is engaged right now. Yeah, still thinking about the charismatic one, that i told you about in the "Twists and Turns of Life" post and particularly at the "Love Story" part of it. I feel love for this man, man. He showed up in a dream of mine a few nights ago. I feel him close, this feeling makes me feel complete, in this in-love kind of way, knowing that the other one is out there, like a soul mate. As if he also thinks of me still and feeling me too, feeling each other, there is no way to know that being so or not anyway, it is just a subjective state. It's nice though, pleasant. Nothing long-term could have come out of this love anyway, considering the circumstances we are meeting in, I am going back to Bulgaria sooner or later, it is there where my home is. We could have been friends though and just enjoy this platonic love fire. Well, I am enjoying it in a way, at least. In this bittery sweet way love tastes. Love like this is like a potent soil fertilizer, growing fruits of wisdom within the one experiencing it. I love you Michael. Maybe it is a good thing things developed this way after all, otherwise who knows what could have happened by now.. i mean, Love from the distance is one thing, but face to face quite another. It could have as well turned out like two neodymium magnets coming together - a collision of high-energy scale.
Oh, yeah, I think this is a good spot to include some editory notes on the "Love Story". Going through the entire development of it from the beginning, I have to say that actually it was not him who insisted on it, but the senior person gave him a green light of sort, showing support for the sparked mutual attraction. So, the "He wanted me to be assigned at the place he was running, so that he can flirt with me, I presume" part is not entirely correct. Either way, I may never know exactly what, who, why, most probably.

Life is full of probabilities! And it's in the hands of unpredictability to handle them (wink). We shall see how things will turn out in the following week ahead. The Universe has been kind of unresponsive recently, having turned her answering machine on. Oh, Universe, pick up the line, it's me! LoL.
In the other news, the sound of the "God prtcl" has been simulated. Wow, the cosmos sounds so in tune, such a mesmerizing symphony of frequencies, how divine indeed. I don't think that the "Higgs particle" will ever be found, it is something else. We'll see. Another newsflash, Michael Jackson has made 1 billion dollars since his death. Alright, he is doing pretty well even from the hereafter, bad thing there are no available wire transfers to there.
Stay tuned.

My American Journey. Summer 2010. A Travel Diary - The Twists and Turns of Life

Yeah, some time passed again without me writing anything. But things haven't been still, though. Where do I start from. Life, life is a funny thing. A strange thing, full of twists and turns, of joy and sorrow, ups and downs. So short to encompass everything and yet long enough to experience a lot. We make decisions and decisions make us. Life is a string of choices, a beaded necklace that we tread with each choice we make. Choices stem out of choices, opening new paths that lead to new destinations. Destinations are never as important as the journey itself and this is always true, as long as it is true that death itself is not the goal of life. Or maybe life is the goal of death?! Either way, the spiral of existence will always loop towards infinity. The main problem with Infinity, from a human point of view, is that when you think too much about it you just loose the sense of meaning to this life and this entire Universe even, as a temporal transient existential structure. I know, sounds too fancy, but these are fundamental topics being described by mere words here. Alright, I got carried out, this is not what I am going to write about. I will share with you something way more down to earth and commonly trivial. The brief story of the past month and how things entangled into an unforeseen outcome. Let's begin with an overview of

The Job

Hmm, the job. Ahh, uh, yes, I should begin with interjections. The job position is formally designated as a Gift Shop Worker, which includes the usual boring duties associated with this kind of unprofessional engagements. Now you'll say "Well, since you know it's boring, why did you applied for it on the first place?".
Well, firstly, because my initial plans on coming over to NYC included exciting endeavors with literary agents and publishing houses, that had to be dropped due to the unfinished book. This was the first turn. Secondly, I am just that adventurous type of person and just wanted to have some fun, new experience and also this is a good chance to come over and meet American culture first hand, to gain some insight and observation from within. It's not all about making cash.
Not that this sort of jobs are that boring in general, I had worked in this kind of environment before, in Dubai Duty Free shop. Though, back then I was twenty and I really viewed things, well, differently. Even though the job descriptions are very much the same, the experience developed quite differently. Maybe because the clientelle back then in "the desert" seemed somewhat more interesting to interact with, telling me interesting stories of their experiences around the world, there was much more customer service and customer interaction. And the colleague environment was much more fun and, how you said it, receptive. But that alone wasn't the reason why things didn't worked out though.

Lastly, this kind of basic job positions are the only ones available to students, apart from university internships and the like. So, if you want to use your student status to do some traveling, you just have to settle with this kind of work. On this job here, the customers turned out to be boring, basically only asking me the prices of things, as if I look like a price list or something. But at least if the colleagues were cool, but they turned out to be dull with this stereotypal mindset of "I hate my job", always long-faced and not very friendly-oriented. A lot of cons accumulated from the beginning.

And even though, I didn't really had plans on quitting this job, despite its seeming boredomness, but rather I planned on finding a second part-time one to meet different people and boost earnings of course, there is initial investment in this trip, however these ideas also had to be dropped quickly, as I ascertained that having a full-time job engagement just doesn't leave you much room for a second job and I seriously had overestimated my work-a-holic abilities. Yeah, if you are willing to sacrifice your days off and deprive your self from sleep I guess a second job is doable. But I am the creative, opportunistic type of person, rather than the working zombie type. I need my freedom and coming to the realization that people in the "Land of Freedom" aren't as free, as they are taught to think they are, the second-job plans had to be dropped as well. But flexibility is a good trait to cultivate and making fast adjustments to my plans is not a problem. Ok, just stick to this job, I thought, enjoy it as much as you can and just enjoy your free time out, in and around the city. Sure, but soon after another twist came into the scene

The Inconvenient Issue

I will repeat myself from another place, but I am completely amazed at the degree of general ignorance female genital infections are plagued by in modern society. Wait, genital infections?! Yeah, genital infections. I told you it will be banal. I know I have the right of privacy, but there is nothing to hide and sharing is always a good thing, unless it comes to sharing sensitive financial information or company secrets and the like, you know what I mean. Anyway, vaginal infections are a woman's biggest nightmare and greatest embarrassment. Now, I am not going to cover this topic here and my experience with it, since I may repulse my readers, but I will give a link to another blog of mine, where whomever might be interested can read more on this, out of curiosity or seeking some practical advice. It is here.

So, to my complete horror, my body steadily went on its craziest going-wild since I arrived in USA. Not sure why really, adjustment stress, change of diet, other environmental factors, endocrine disruptors in the air!? Just joking on that last one. The real problem is, that having vaginal floral imbalance can be a great social distress for the woman experiencing it and I got my share of distress alright. No STDs here, just plain old bacterial overgrowth that leads to some very unpleasant side effects that can greatly impair your ability to perform well in social contacts, makes you extremely self-conscious in the external type of this notion and generally ruins your day, and days.

Following this unforeseen shift in my health status, my colleagues on the job, behaving with a certain degree of hostility since the beginning, saw this unfortunate biochemical development of mine as a welcome reason for them to harass me about it as much as they could. The increased stress levels didn't helped me at all, so I had to take a leave for a week. That was last week.
I was feeling miserable, like a freak. Good thing there is internet and I found support from other women who experience or have experienced microbiological distresses like this, who gave advice and reassurance. I did thought about visiting a gynecologist, of course, but then I met the American Health Care System face to face.

First, I Googled about near by doctors I can visit and chose a place. I went and presented them with my health insurance Bulstrad Life in association with Coris International. Riiight. They never heard about it. So, I had to pay 150$ just for the consultation. It was then when I decided that I will go for the natural remedies. That was about three weeks plus ago.
The natural remedies do work, but they do take time to start working. And if your body is like mine, usually resistant to everything for a while before it lets it in, whether good or bad, it will take more time for the goodies to build up and take effect. And time was what I didn't had. After two weeks I decided again to give it a try with the doctors. I called a hospital in Staten Island and asked for an appointment with a gynecologist, but the voice over the phone told me that they don't accept new patients until the end of August.

Great, another bummer. Then I looked for another of those private gynecological cabinets near by and found one with an Arab woman doctor. Arabs are usually nice people, generous, they will feed you if you are hungry, so they may as well provide you with medical assistance if you can't afford it.
In short, I went, they called the insurance company, the company spokesperson politely in a politically correct manner declined any responsibilities to my health coverage, the doctor told me I have to pay 175$ for her consultation, I told her I can't afford this at the moment, she asked me how much I can pay, but really I wasn't willing to pay anything or I risked running out of cash with this week off I had taken. I already had done quite a lot of research on the web and established a diagnosis for myself, that actually turned out to be a recurrence, I only asked her to write me a prescription with antibiotics, since this is the fastest way to get better, even though not the longest term one. However, she refused, I tried to persuade her, but she was uncompromising. So I just had to stick with the herbal remedies and the recovery diet. Which is taking effect by now. Though, there are some things that I painfully have to exclude from my diet, like coffee, and I am very sad about this as well. Read if you will at the link above. So much for the health issues. Let's move on to the third intermingled layer of this complex development of the whole situation here

The Love Story

Ah, love, such a beautiful thing. So trivial and yet the soul can ascend to such euphoric spiritual heights on its wings. Day dreaming, pleasant emotions in your chest. So sweet. Let me start from the beginning. Prepare for a soap-romance kind of a story with a big dose of intrigue.

The beginning began, well, kind of a from first sight. Not a cliche. It was a strange attraction that flared up between me and a manager person who was there along with a senior one when I went to present myself to the employer company for the first time.
At first, I just kind of an "unconsciously" cast the occasional look at him, just because he seemed nice and there was this certain charm in his radiance, while speaking with the senior one. I wasn't thinking anything really. However, he did got into my mind for some reason, maybe because I wasn't engaging myself enough with other mental activities.
Then, after a week or so, on the orientation training day this charismatic person behaved in a peculiar, if not strange fashion. The first thing I noticed was the way he greeted me, somewhat personal, somewhat affectionate. I preferred to ignore that, since self-suggestion is always around the corner. Then there were other peculiar elements in his subtle interaction with me that I will skip on describing, because it will just sound weird in words. The behavior of the senior person in this regard was also strange. As if he was cooperating with the younger one, having recognized the mutual attraction. I so much don't like this kind of subtle relations without any direct vocalization. It's so mysterious and prone to self-suggestion. Can't people just openly speak to each other whatever there is they may wish to share?

Anyway, the younger one then wanted me to be assigned at the place he was running, so that he can flirt with me, I presume. I did felt attraction to him, yes. Attraction that later developed into falling in love. However, I noticed a ring band on his hand and this was my major draw back. I mean, why would this person behave like this if he was married? And why would the senior one cooperate with him in this regard? Why, why? So strange. No answers. What am I getting myself into? Is he a mormon or something?! Being love-sick at the job place was the last thing I wanted. I mean, I don't have time and mental resources to allocate to day dreaming, I have a book to finish! What is up with this turn of events!? My heart was beating all excited, pumping blood excessively, making me hot and my brain got a headache.
I decided to step back and chose the other place, where I wouldn't see him, otherwise, this fatal attraction was too risky to handle if we were to see each other every day.

So I went to the Tent. And my bad experience began from there. First there were the weirdo colleague persons, looking at me as if I ate their breakfast. Then the Inconvenient Issue set in the picture and totally messed up everything that I had initially settled for this NYC summer, after the Main Plan was postponed. But that was not all. The charismatic person did indeed felt a strong attraction to me, just as I did for him. And all this from the distance of the ocean, even though about five minute distance by boat.
He called in the Tent, probably about a week after or so, and declared something like "I want her over to my place, because I like her". But he met resistance from the minor managers in the Tent place, who were reluctant to let me over due to one reason and another.
Of course, no one was telling me anything, but that again, I am not def and not stupid by any means as well, even if I may seem ignorant to the casual observer. I was just hearing comments and sporadic discussions about this and based on my initial observation on his behavior based on the attraction and everything I was able to figure out the situation.

A very delicate and complex situation indeed. There was hot intrigue unwinding, the conditions inside the Tent were no cooler, pressure was building and gossip was going wild.
In the meanwhile, I was suffering from seriously low self-esteem due to my bad bacteria going on strike inside of me. And knowing that he likes me and it was no secret to anyone, apart from me, just made me feel like wishing to disappear and reappear somewhere in the Himalayas. I saw two Himalayan monks doing some gift shopping on that day, by the way. Probably a Synchronicity effect.
Oh, and the comments later on developed in some really stupid ones, like "He wants to fuck her". Tell me if all this was a self-suggestion and those comments were meant for someone else. Because I kind of a have built a good degree of confidence in my rationality, over time. However, I can't really completely rule suggestion out, although being wrong in my observations and orientation in the situation is rather unlikely.

And so, I couldn't take all this anymore and took a week off to recover from stress on the job and to decide on what to do based on all the craziness that developed in the preceding weeks. I was close to loosing my mind in that place, lol. During this week I definitely felt myself on the road to recovery and regained my confidence. I also decided to try my chances and look for another, a more suitable and somewhat more interesting job. So I went for "work at home" opportunities, something that will not involve specific working hours nor place, but rather specific targets and deadlines. A more self-initiative opportunity that will give me some space to breathe.

And thank to the Universe, that always guides me the right way, I stumbled upon just the right job offer. An eBay Assistant. Oh, well, I guess I have an eBay karma of some sort. Anywho, I called a guy and after a pre-practiced verbal introduction of my skills and qualities he decided to hire me. We signed a contract over the web, well I signed it and photographed it and sent him the photo via email. I guess that works. The job involves purchasing the items and shipping them via the nearest USPS office. Let's see how well will that go. I hope well enough, because after the recovery week ended, I made a final decision to leave Evelyn Hill. Shht, don't tell anyone. LOL. What the heck, it is still a job, right? I will still pay taxes and spend my money back into the US economy, so it is alright. The rules still apply.

I kind of a feel nostalgic today for quitting the prearranged job, not sure why. And it was a tough decision to make, considering all the events that developed and this attraction with this man. I tried to discuss this side of the whole situation with the senior manager when I went to ask for a permanent leave, but I just couldn't speak out a word on this. So I just left feeling very down and unsettled from within. A lot of questions remained somewhat open. I know I should have said something, or maybe not? I don't know. I definitely had a strange experience with this job, due to both internal and external factors. It was crazy. I wonder what else lies ahead. We shall see. Life is a journey full of twists and turns that we undertake or that drag us along. You have to keep walking, be like water, but like a river, not a pond.

This is about all for now. All comments and feedback are greatly appreciated! Tell me what you think, advise, criticize, anything. I would love to hear from my readers :)

D r e a m O n



beatfarmer - The Long Day, Over by beatfarmer