An Agony of my Soul, Provoked by Emotions, Expressed by Words. It Has No Title

Today I died.
My body blackened like dry coal and turned into ashes.
But just when the soil began to absorb me into her earthly womb, a strong gust of eastern wind came about and lifted my dusty remains.
Then the wind told me his name was Shamal and took me on his airy wings to show me the world.
We flew above villages and cities, green meadows as far as the horizon goes and golden deserts. We went to places no human knows - above frosty mountain tops and wavy oceans.
We saw so much beauty, so much life all packed in this small blue planet. But in this flight my ashes slowly flew away and spreaded little by little over the face of Earth and I was no more.

Only my soul left, stripped and naked. There was no more me, I couldn't tell - there was no reflection in the mirror! When I looked down towards the glassy surface of a lake - I saw nothing but the sky above. Then fear struck. The wind was gone and I was alone. Alone and bare.
Emptiness filled the empty space I occupied. I couldn't tell if this emptiness dwelled only within me or if it encompassed the entire cosmos. But what was I? I was nothing. Nothing that could be seen! Yet, I felt. How can you have feelings without a nervous system?! Impossible. There are no emotions beyond the CNS. Yet, I was thinking. How can you have thoughts without a brain and memmory to hold them all?!
This can't be. My thoughts would rather disperse in space like the ashes from my body. But there I was, even though I was not me.

Then a ray of ancient photons passed by me with the most unbelievable speed and within an unspeakable fraction of an eye-blink I was able to ask them "Where are you coming from?". And they replied all in one voice, like a divine chorus "We come from the beginning of this Universe" and they took me with them.
They were heading towards the end. We flew across vast transparency of blackness as far as one could peer into it, we flew across billions of stars small and immense, across billions upon billions of galaxies and vibrating molecular clouds. Then pain struck. This unbearable nostalgy for this small blue planet, my home.
But I was away, so far, far away. There was no way back. So I took the pain with me and continued our flight together with the ancient light.
Then all the galaxies and all the stars were left behind in a tiny bulge of light at the center of this enormous blackness that filled everything. Soon enough there was nothing, completely nothing. I couldn't tell if there was anything, for it was all black and black was all I could see. Formidable, tremendous, all encompassing blackness filled with emptiness. Then the photons disappeared. Or rather dissolved into the darkness.
I was floating there in the middle of nowhere. Left alone, empty and bare. The pain left too. So I felt nothing anymore. Then a voice filled the void and told me "All that you see is nothing. It is not at all." I had nothing to loose, so I asked back "What are you then?!" and the voice replied "I am infinity. The negative existentiality that encompasses all!". "This is impossible. A paradox. It is not true!" I replied back and was prepared to be engulfed by the void forever. It was silent. Silent, dark and empty. "Are you.. God?!?" I cried out at the last of my endurance.
"You humans have so many gods, why do you need another?" A different voice answered. I was silent, for I knew it was true. "God has many faces and many names. Every single atom is part of God, but no single atom is god alone. The same goes for your small-minded human perceptions and all of your religious gods". "Then The God is above religions" I thought to myself, but my thoughts went aloud, for there was no brain to contain them in.
"It is pure Reality itself you speak of" the something said and went silent. It was the deepest silence I have ever heard. Then I was torn apart and dissolved into the darkness.
I opened my eyes. I was home. I was again, but different. I had new eyes.
I was reborn.

Then I cried out to Knowledge with tears in my eye "Do you have to be so painful?!?" and it replied "Wisdom comes at a price".

Impossible is Nothing. And I am both. Let the wind of inspiration carry you!


To my subscribed readers: please, be patient! I think you will not remain disappointed!

And another thing, I wish to dedicate this post to the last man who broke my heart - Thank you for this inspiration, Vasile and So Long!!

Prelude to Albedo

the One: Why did the chicken crossed the road?
the Other: Because it wanted to know the other side of itself.
the Third: Why, is there more to you than can be seen?
the Same: And are you as shallow as a puddle on the street?!
Reflectivity: You are my mirror!
She again: I am afraid of the darkness!
the Darkness: You are in my possession!
the Moon: I am what I will!
the Sun (to the Moon): Is this possible, my love?
the Stars (to the Sun): And what is not [possible]!?
the Light: For me to fill-up the entire Universe??
the Universe: I was born from Nothing into darkness and
I journey towards the light.
the Nothing: I created all and all is encompassed by Myself. However,
what is this objective that asks so many questions?
the Chicken: To all of your questions the answers I shall find!
the Public: [in silent contemplation]

[ - End of scene - ]

[t h i n k]

Questions, thoughts and reflections

"... I feel endless torment deep in my inmost self which grasps my soul like a cold gust of frost that engulfs my heart when I see all the sorrow, all the pain, all the tears, all the hatred, all the violence, all endless conflicts that engulf our world like the frost engulfing my heart. It burns of sorrow and melts the ice off of it, and bloody tears leak through my being, soaking my mind.."
Ateviel, October 28, 2006

Why people learn to apologize at an early age, instead of learning not to behave in a way that will require an apology?
Why when we meet something different our first reaction is aggression?
And why when our beliefs are questioned, we always assume defensive positions, without even taking the time to think about what is being said?

Why we overuse the words, so they loose their emotional meaning for us? For instance, we use "love" for just about everything we like and find agreeable - "I love chocolate", "I love pink", "I love this movie" and then we look at the people we share emotional affection with and say to them with the same "passion" that we love them too (almost as much as beer).

As for the opposite emotion - "hate" - things are the same. Just that I want to ask, why do we need to use this word at all? Why do we have to hate?!

Why we need religion to believe in God?
Does God need religion in order to exist?
If we do not think about the Universe, does it vanish?
Why we act first and then think about the consequencies?
Why there is so much discontent, unhappiness and conflicts in the world?
Why the human mind is constructed in a way, so that it prefers ignorance and inactivity rather than expantion of its conscious horizons?!
Why we don`t pay attention to the reasons behind our reactions and behavior?
Why we are used to not think too much and why it is so hard for the ego to overcome itself?
Why do we prefer to be instinctive, and unaware?
And why we prefer someone else to think for us?
Why people behave aggressively and become racists when meeting with different peoples?
And why we need to fill our lives with intrigues, lies, fights, insincerity and problematic relationships?
Why do we always search for the blame only in others and never in ourselves?

And why we read a question and forget about it at the moment we finish reading the sentence, instead of reflect on it and search for the answer and then imply it in our daily lives?

Know yourself is the answer key. You know, in my life so far I came to the conclusion that the ancient proverbs are indeed true. You do get to know other people and understand them much better when you understand yourself. When you understand the reasons behind your reactions, moods, affections and characterological traits.

In the upcoming series of lectures we will search and discuss the answers to all those questions and more that will raise in the process. I wish to share some poetry with you. The first is written in the old Persian Sufi style and the second is a spontaneous product of rushing emotions written in the summer of 2004 and it is an appeal to all those who are love-sick or brokenhearted.

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Look outside and see the morning glory blooming under the inspiring rays of the morning sun.
It`s light spreading across the blue sky, touching the clouds with mild pink and purple smile.
Hear the song of the birds, praising life and the air we breathe.
See the playful dance of the wind with the leaves of the lush trees - green, red, yellow and orange, like the rainbow in the summer sky.
Feel the tranquil rush of the river down the mountain hills, reaching towards the ocean.
Become one with the sounds of the Universe preaching a perfect unity of the whole of Creation.
Each atom resonates with the beat of your heart. Submerge into yourself, dissolve in yourself, fuse with yourself.
The whole Universe is listening to your song, don`t stop dancing, become One.
Fly with the light across every corner of the cosmos, reach each molecule with your thought.
Fire burns within your soul of water, filled with fresh air from the soft Earth.
Open your eyes and see the beauty all around, that fills your being and makes it shine as the brightest star!

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What is Love?
It is the fire within our souls!
What is Hate?
It is the fire within our souls!
What is the difference between Love and Hate?
The difference is that one is constructive and the other - destructive.
But to destroy, you must first create.
Don`t destroy what you have created!
Don`t hate what you have once loved.

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There are two criteria for the utter happiness - a sense of meaning and inspiration!
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This girl is not me, it is a photo I stumbled upon searching for visual material on a specific topic,
but her eyes got straight into my heart - as if they speak to you with the language of the soul, expressing thousands of words, as if you can peer into her young soul. Those innocent eyes of a child hiding much pain, yet a subtle smile is stretching for the photo, after all the smile is an international language that all people understand.